Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Let's Talk Babies...Part 2

When the subject of babies comes up, so do questions. Lots and lots of questions.

"How many kids do you want to have?"
"When are you going to have kids?"
"So are you pregnant yet?"

Jeremy and I didn't arrive on the decision to adopt on a straight and narrow path. We struggled through infertility in a very different way than most. We hit walls before we were even able to begin treatment. We made a choice. We were offered the option of treatment that had about a 10% chance of working in our case and was more money than we were willing to risk for 10% or less odds. We were basically told its not even worth it. All the ideas of specific pills and foods, standing on your head, using frozen peas, and having 'drunk sex' were never going to work. But thank you to those who were so desperately trying to help. Some day I am going to come up with a master list of all the things people should not say in regards to someone else trying to have children. Just sayin'.

Instead, we chose domestic adoption. Yes, folks, there was a layover in domestic adoption first. It began slow, then sped up to a drastic speed, with all things going as we had hoped, even quicker. Sadly, our experience with domestic adoption ended when we received a call, a few hours before we were to have our home-study, saying we were "out of the program" -with no explanation given. (We know why and choose to spare you the details) It was devastating to again, be denied the privilege of being a parent. We sat numb for a while before beginning the international adoption process. You know the rest...
Sometimes when I think of the politics of adoption, it disgusts me. While I understand there need to be rules and regulations, for unfortunate obvious reasons, it still disgusts me. There are all these children waiting, in need, of good loving homes. There are all these prospective parents, anxious to parent and give these child the homes they deserve. And yet, RED TAPE.

When a couple decides to have a biological child, there is no application taped to your bedroom door. There is no fee to enter. There is no immigration officer sending you "approval". You do not need to have your fingerprints checked by the FBI and every other government system. No one is there to take pictures of your house to make sure it is suitable. No one is there to meticulously inspect your finances and make sure you meet the expectation. It does not matter if you've been married before or divorced. It does not matter how many other children you have. You do not have to write an autobiography. You do not need to know what authentication and apostelle mean. Last but not least, a ridiculous amount of money is not required.

My intention here is not to be insensitive, but to be honest. I know many struggle with infertility and it is not an easy journey. On the other side, I harbor no bad feelings toward all you fertile mommas. None at all. Although I don't always know why, I do believe things happen the way they happen for a reason.

{Stay with me here people, I'm getting somewhere}

When you begin your adoption process, the questions begin again.

Where are you adopting from?
Are you adopting a boy or girl? How old?
Will you have to travel?
How much is adoption?

On and on and on. Now most of you already know, I'm an open book with AJ's adoption. Ask me about the extreme joy that we felt when received his referral. Ask me what it was like to see him and hold him for the first time. Ask me how it killed me to leave him behind when we visited. I'll tell you. Ask me how nervous we were flying home with him. Ask me how much it was. Go ahead. I'll tell you. I'm not offended. I will tell you that there IS a false security in adoption. I think it comes from putting your trust and hopes into agencies and government entities (I know) to give you this healthy happy baby in exchange for a boatload of paperwork and money. We were supposed to be given a healthy child. We were told he was a healthy child. Premature, yes. Guatemala requires you to be open to prematurity, low birth weight, and a few other things. Still-you have this false security. The truth is, there is no security, either way. I laugh (to myself) now when people find out about AJ. He was adopted from Guatemala. Oh! How Nice. He has special needs. Oh! Good for you! What a great thing you are doing! We didn't know. Oooohhhh. {Insert akward silence}

Once we brought AJ home, the questions continued.

Will you adopt again? Our answer to this question has changed over time.

Will AJ have a brother or sister? Hm.

After AJ's needs were identified, we weren't asked that question so much. When we learned of his brother, they resurfaced, but soon faded again. Will we adopt another child or ?....While we decided early on that AJ's special needs would not be the deciding factor into whether or not to add to our family, it is something we think about and must take into consideration. And might I add, our trust is broken. In a way that I'm not sure could ever be repaired. We worked with a reputable adoption agency. Its not like we worked with some no-name on a Guatemalan street corner. I'm not sure we'd take that plunge again.

We do not regret our decision to adopt. AJ was meant to be our son.

So, I'll leave you with this:

When and if we decided to expand our family, we'll blog about it. Sometime.


  1. When I see pregnant teenage girls at my high school, it makes me sick. I get angry about how much they take for granted when there are so many loving families who go through the ringer and finance their lives to have a baby. I look forward to reading that post, sometime, when you're ready to post about it. Lucas is now that age when we're starting to get that question too....


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