Coming Home...Day 6 {A Reflection}

{Day 6}

Day 6
Very much a day of
Day 6? Already?
and
Only Day 6? Really?

We are utterly exhausted.

She woke up this morning and was very skeptical-until she saw her stocking from St. Nick. She was really excited about that.

After breakfast this morning Mimi had a rough time. This is not surprising as she's fighting a slight stuffy nose and isn't quite herself. We all napped until 2.

 Miss Independent

It rained all day here. We played and played by our suite window. It made me feel like we were outside. With both she and I under the weather, we were not going out. I did see a slice of blue sky for a bit this afternoon.

In good/sombering news we've found Addiba.

I received an email back from Mimi's orphanage stating that they were stumped too until she called Mimi's teacher and asked. The kids call her Ali and add in the -ba as it is a way to greet someone here. Mimi's d and l sounds are similar....it's Aliba, not Addiba.

She's calling for her teacher.

It's usually during routine things, dressing, bathing, etc. she's calling our for her like she's in the next room.

Now that we know, I chatted with our social worker in WI to brainstorm how we can handle this. We do our chant (Mama ok, Daddy ok, Mimi ok) and when she calls out I remind her in Bulgarian that we said "ciao ciao" to Aliba.

She's not stressed about it so far which is a blessing. Being under the weather I'm sure she wanted her more today.

I am so thankful for then translation apps on my phone. Every day I'm looking for new words and feel like a champion when I nail it and she responds.

We are very ready to come home. Both she and I are slightly better today, so hooray for that. Hoping some sleep will help us feel even better. Nighty night everyone...

Coming Home...Day 5 {A Reflection}

{Day 5}

Today was a laid back day.

We had breakfast and then ended up with a sleeping Mimster mid-morning. 

We played, slept, rested, ate, and went to the corner grocery.

Our hotel

She didn't have one single tantrum today.

She also decided that each time we came back from a meal that she should stripped down in the bathroom and come out handing me her clothes... Then run in by the bathtub and flash me a megawatt smile. She had three baths today. smile emoticon

We are still asking, no pleading for the real Addie-Ba to stand up. No really, please. I emailed the psychologist at the orphanage today to ask as it seems to be an important word to her. It's not a regular Bulgarian word ...

Tonight at dinner she decided to feed both of us. I made a silly sound after biting into a roll she shoved in my mouth...and the hilarity ensued. She mimicked me-sound and all.

She anti-rocked bedtime tonight. Instead she stayed with me, asked to be changed, snuggled hard and then crawled into bed and fell asleep.

I'm not sure how many times I have played what we are experiencing in my head. Before we got here. For months. I never could have imagined what we are experiencing. That's the thing about His timing, it's perfect and the way it's meant to be. About twice a day so find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then I stop myself from stealing my own joy, and watching her experience joy.

Prayer requests:
Bulgaria and my stress asthma do not get along. Today we laid low on account of being tired, but also because my lungs felt like they were on fire. A lot of people smoke here and it doesn't take much to irritate me. Walking in and out of places is a sure fire place to be in the midst of it. But so think my flare came from going to the exchange center yesterday and standing in a 5x5 box in front of cashier window and having the whole area filled with smoke. My inhaler is helping, but it's just not something were going to get away from until we get to the airport. It comes in through the vents, etc. no one notices but me of course. So, prayers that I can continue to manage my asthma with my inhaler and hot water baths/showers.

Second, AJ is having a rough time at home. Please pray that his growing pains cease and give him a break and that his heart will settle in knowing well be home soon.

These down days aren't so bad after all....
xo

Coming Home...Day 4 {A Reflection}

{Day 4}

Today was a bit of a wild card.

She woke up and got out of bed looking for us! Not panicky, but she knew we were here. Praise Jesus. Jeremy was awake with eyeballs open so he was able to see her morning preciousness. She came over to me again as soon as the light was on. 

Dancing with Daddy

She was a bit manic about food at breakfast and ate quite a lot. This trend continued throughout the day. She got very panicky when she was hungry. She likes to carry bread/cake/rolls around and eat them, savoring them.

We had her medical exam and blood draw in the morning. The staff was incredibly nice, however the blood test proved to be difficult. They tried twice and ended up blowing a vein. She is so dehydrated nothing was popping up. So they had us go up to the pediatrician and she got it drawn with an old technique. Let's just say-EWWW.

Mimi was outstanding for the entire thing. You can tell she's been around the block. She was so calm during the exam and even when the lab techs were looking for a spot. Our big girl.

She cleared and is now 34.5 inches tall and 26.5 pounds. They also gave her a flu shot. That's a US requirement now too. We were in and out in 45 minutes!

The blood draw tests for TB, which she's negative. However, in the middle of our process the US began requiring the kids to be tested for TB before entering the US which is why our trip this round is longer. She's been vaccinated for it, but those who have been often test false positive with the skin poke, so it's recommended to do the blood test instead. Quicker results and more accurate.

After the medical we hung out for a while, during which she ate approximately an entire pantry of snacks. She cleaned us out.

We went to the large mall center here with another adoptive family. The minute we got into the cab Mimi started screaming-very odd. Then we realized she thought we were going back to the clinic. frown emoticon she settled down about halfway there.

The mall was beautiful and a unique experience. Sofia is very fashion forward. Very. Mimi loved the stroller. She started to panic as she was hungry and in a new place. She twists/taps her curls for comfort. Or she pulls her clips out slowly. We got some delicious pizza at the food court. We spent about an hour and a half just sitting and eating, letting her eat. She started holding two pieces in her hands, which was adorable, but also heartbreaking. We just do our best to try and understand and reassure her there will be enough.

We walked around, stopped and got some new toys for the weekend and she walked some laps with Daddy.

I, being the control freak I am, didn't really enjoy the mall as much as I should I have. In fact my comments on it being beautiful cracked me up when I was reading through and adding photos.  I was so panicky I just wanted to go home. And I may have snapped at Jeremy 3,245 times. I don't do so well with unpredictability.

We Facetimed with the Grandma's once we got back to the hotel which was super fun. We were a little late in ending our chat so she spiraled when dinner wasn't here fast enough. We were able to calm her though. Progress.

She's really understanding us more and using her English well. However, would the real Addiba please stand up? She says "Addie-bah" all the time and no one knows what it is...

She discovered how to blow bubbles in the tub tonight which was a privilege to experience her figure that out. Her delight is pure joy.

 Exploring her new bowling set.

She allowed me to feed her (not to self she does not like extreme temperatures) dinner.
And the waiter brought up a basket of rolls just for her. I really love room service. wink emoticon

Bedtime went really well. She really did great. She hung with is on the bed and would walk around brushing her hair. It's really interesting to see her calm. I think the orphanage was really, really stressful on her. I saw remnants of that when we went to the mall. She pulled out stims I hadn't seen since we visited. Her nystagmus seen to pick up when she's stressed. I nearly had a panic attack just wanting to go and calm her.

Today is is the beginning of a 3.5 days stretch where we have nothing to do.... Please pray that we can keep ourselves busy and keep our sanity smile emoticon there is an outdoor Christmas market we are hoping to go to at some point. Other than that we need to hit the grocery store today.

Please also pray for her hydration. I brought some pedialyte powder packs to add to water but she doesn't like sweet stuff ( unless it's finger cake of sometype). She's not showing distress over drinking anymore, but adding a little extra umpf would help this mama feel better.

Today I found myself angry. And it's crept in several time now since we've had her. No child should have to go through this. I love her staff that cared for her, but I am so angry with the circumstances of the orphan. It is such bold hypocrisy. My brain was swirling a mild a minute at the mall. She doesn't deserve to have to process all this new, exhibit stims, and feel scared or threatened. It's not fair.

She's a beautiful ball of hope, peeps.
xo

Coming Home....Day 3 {A Reflection}

{Day 3}

Today was a beautiful day. Not in terms of weather, but in terms of all things Mimi.

This morning started out with breakfast, as usual. She figured out the elevator takes her to eat, so she gets pretty excited.

We came upstairs and decided to play. And I mean play. The weather has been damp, cold, and rainy the entire time we’ve been here. We colored, we discovered playdoh, we worked on our English, we put puzzles together and tried on everyone’s shoes-again.

She waited patiently for both her lunch and dinner in the restaurant. This place is awesome. The food is so good and the staff is amazing. Mimi managed to charm everyone she came in contact with, from the British man in the lift (did I just say lift?!) to the business meeting that let out as we were entering the restaurant for lunch. I was having a coronary waiting watching her wait, waiting for the meltdown that never came. Parenthood should come with wine. Well, we have stores that sell wine and places that serve it, so I guess that counts.

She came to us willingly, both when we asked her to and of her own free will. She wanted to sit on our laps.

She only had two temper tantrums today, which were mild in comparison to the last two days and were of the “I am 3” flavor. She has very little tolerance for dropping or losing things. As in she get very upset and screeches. I attribute this to living with 14 other tiny (precious of course) vultures. Nothing was exclusively hers. So if she drops the playdoh or a cup, or a piece of roll she freaks out. Not today. Not once. She’s a natural fighter, with a fighting spirit. It’s the way she has survived the thrived. She needs to learn that there will always be enough food, enough water, enough of what she needs. She will learn to have things of her own and how to share.

I have literally seen her entire being RELAX.

I woke from an unexpected nap (translation: Mommy passed out on the bed) and asked Jer were she was. He told me to roll over. There she was, sleeping next to me. 

Didn’t I just write yesterday that she doesn’t nap so we aren’t forcing it?I remember she had got on the bed and crawled over me but I just assumed she had gotten down and started frolicking as usual. She did not.

People. This is awesome.

This girl’s hardest part of the day is bedtime/sleep. We knew this ahead of time, as we were told she doesn’t like to go to sleep. If an adult is in the room with her that she respects, she’ll stay in bed, but she’ll still scream (and I mean SCREAM). The pattern is panic/angry screaming followed by rocking sitting up and then flopping over on her stomach just before she falls asleep. When she wakes in the middle of the night she rocks back to sleep. When she’s up for the day, but knows she’s not supposed to get out of bed (her thoughts, not mine) she will begin to do this VERY quiet rhythmic whine that changes tone and gets a bit panicky the longer she’s awake. I heard that the first morning, but not this morning.

One of the most difficult things has been for me to watch both my children rock as a self-stimulation. She’s been self-soothing herself to sleep since she’s been born. You can’t just break that. No gangbuster approach is going to do any good.

Tonight I thought I’d hold her and walk around the room singing. The minute I picked her up she realized that bedtime was coming and lost it. The screaming, the tears, the flipping backwards all ensued. I moved to the chair, where we had sat earlier in the day and started humming instead of singing, thinking the language difference was bothering her.

Sure enough…she began to calm. She strokes her curls for comfort. Oh my heavens. So I followed suit and repeated Mama, Mimi, ok. Mama, Mimi, good. Over and over and over. Once she calmed I put her in bed. She rocked briefly and then fell asleep. She responded so well.

Tomorrow we go to have the US Embassy required medical exam and TB blood test drawn. Please say a prayer for her. And us. Exhaustion set in today. Gentle progress, friends.
xo

Coming Home...Day 2 {A Reflection}

{Day 2}

Mimi woke up soaked. She slept fairly well.  Listening to her stim herself was a bit torturous.  It has been a long time since I've heard/watched that. She woke up several times during the night and violently rocked herself back to sleep. Waking up soaked was our sad confirmation that she didn't drink enough while at the baby house. This is common, but that didn't make watching her beg for water any easier. 

We braved breakfast and it went fantastic. I thought this might be a better approach as the breakfast buffet had food "ready". I was hopeful she would see the food and make the connection. She did and enjoyed some Bulgarian yogurt with honey and other fresh foods. She sat on my lap to eat. She was charming and really enjoying the individual attention she was receiving from both of us. That simultaneously warmed and broke my heart.

We chose to stay in today since yesterday was so overwhelming. We played and played and played. She got in some good bonding time with Daddy and learned two English words "more" and "up" today. We saw the true meaning of "She doesn't like to sleep in the afternoon". Afternoon naps were forced. Anything forced, this chica takes a FAST detour.

We received an email from Tatiana giving us her schedule, which helped tremendously and also told us that they were doing the Bulgarian version of toilet training. That's why she runs and stands in the corner rather frequently.

We went down for dinner,met a fellow adoptive family, and watched our girl sit at table like a big girl and wait. She ate all of her soup and four rolls (not kidding). We're still struggling with the water thing. She thinks everything is going to go away. If she drops something its the end of the universe. Translation: Fragile cargo. Handle gently yet firmly.

She had her first bath with us tonight. She did great and went to sleep much easier.

We have nothing on the docket until Thursday (medical exam and blood draw for TB testing). Friday through Sunday are open as well. Monday will be the US Embassy Appointment and Tuesday picking up her visa. Wednesday we fly home.

Four days with no agenda? Hmmm we must find some trouble to create....

Coming Home...Day 1 {A Reflection}

{Day 1}

A heavy fog greeted us as we began our journey to Sliven. Our car lost electrical power three times during the 3.5 hour drive, leaving me silently panicking in the backseat while our guide was, I'm pretty sure, swearing in Bulgarian on the phone with someone about this problem. When we lost power and pulled onto a way side that held a burned-out bus on its side, I literally prayed with all my might to just.let.us.make.it. and we'd deal with whatever followed.

As we pulled onto the road leading to Mimi's town from the highway (I call it the "Road to Nowhere") sleet began to fall and the song "I'll be home for Christmas" came one the radio.  It moved me to tears and beyond words. 

When we arrived at the orphanage, I noticed the gate was now adorned with an actual doorknob and indeed locked. This been installed since the last visit. It made me incredibly sad. We had to wait seconds for a staff member to come out and unlock it.  It felt like an eternity. We walked inside to see Tatiana and Eli (Mimi's psychologist and teacher) running down the hallway to greet us with big hugs. The experience went something like this: Hug then give gifts. Hug then hear what they had to say. Eli runs to get her camera. Someone in the office needs us to sign something. Did we bring clothes and shoes? Yes. Oh the shoes are way too big...no problem. I had asked for her to keep the outfit she was wearing on, as something for her to look back on when she is older.  Eli told me she'd just give me the shoes she was wearing.

We were given a small photobook of Mimi's life in the baby house in Sliven. What a treasure. Tatiana went through the whole thing with us and explained what certain things were, photos of her as a baby, photos of her for Baba Marta, with Santa, and with her friends. The ones that blew me away? There is a tradition in Bulgaria that when I child begins walking they set items out on a table in the middle of the room. The child walks around the table to choose an item. It is said that whatever they choose will be their profession. Our girl chose a book.

Tatiana also wrote Mimi a letter, upon my request via email, about her life in the orphanage. She had printed it on a beautiful piece of stationary. She thanked us for staying up late every week to Skype. Um, no. Thank YOU. She told us how important it was to her and how important she felt it was for Mimi to create that connection with us. She shared that Mimi really loved Fridays...she knew it was the day she'd Mama and Tati (annnnd get some treats but hey....). She would light up when Tatiana would come get her from the playroom and the other kids would get jealous. I cried. Those tender hearts. Mimi would return to the playroom feeling all important.

Oh here she comes, walking down the hallway....in all her Miminess!

She was happy to see us and knew who we were...even though we weren't on a screen. This girl is so much a part of a family. While her care was still group care, she is SO LOVED. These women were standing wiping their tears when we left. They insisted on walking us outside to the courtyard. They insisted on 3,245 pictures. I love them. We love them. Mimi loves them.

We got in the car and she did so very well. Even though our ride back was longer due to more fog and the car faulting one more time, she did well. She ate almost the entire in the car. She shared her snacks with me which was a step in the right direction. As in a pretzel stick going into my mouth, or nose. Whatever. She ate all of the fruit snacks, pretzels, chips, and drank two bottles of water. A LOT of water. I've never seen a child so thirsty for water.

We arrived at the Passport Center just in the nick of time and took 2,195 pictures in an effort to get a picture for her passport. First, this place was jammed with adults, which I'm sure she's never seen so many in her life and big oversized BRIGHT fluorescent lights. She was in my arms when we walked in and she looked up and panicked instantly. (I mention this as its one of the things our vision specialist told us to watch for....changes in her mood/etc when in bright or dark places,etc. She was stressed, tired, anxious, grieving, check all of the above. This girl has a scream that would wake King Tut. Oh my stars. When it comes out, its terrified and full of emotion. Its ugly and raw and difficult for her to calm. We also started to notice her loosing her balance A LOT and seeming very disoriented. When she falls its often wonky and well, its just its own flavor. It wasn't pretty, but after a run to the car and a very savvy attorney who worked her magic, we got a photo.

We returned to the hotel and after hanging for a bit we decided to go downstairs to the empty white bright restaurant for dinner. See where I'm going with this? Yeah, nada. She had a full on meltdown and we asked for our dinner to be brought upstairs. She was grieving, tired,  ALL OF IT HIT HER AT ONCE. 

How do you comfort a child whom you love and want to soothe who thinks you are the green martian that just stole them from their happy planet?

She calmed and ate with us. She allowed me to feed her some, which was unexpected as she's such an independent eater. When you don't have a mini table and chairs, you improvise. She allowed me to feed her with a fork, which I'm not sure she'd ever eaten with, and then she got it a little too far in her mouth-that was the end of it. She munched on some french fries and then she was done.

Remember when we visited her in July and they told us how she avoids sleep?  By screaming? Heavens. And all we could do was be there and watch. Once she fell asleep, she had a pretty good night's rest, minus a lot of dirty diapers. She wandered over when I turned on the light this morning. She snuggled up to me for cuddles and let me hold her for about 10 seconds. She is constantly on the go or engrossed in something. I took it as a step in the right direction...

Jer slept while round 2 of my adrenaline kicked in and I was up most of the night feeling it come down. Crying, bawling, shaking, processing, texting adoption friends and my mom in the bathroom after showers trying to calm myself down, denying, scared, terrified, excited, worried, etc. listening to her little feet slide on the sheets as she moved in her sleep 1,204 times. 

The thing about adoption. Its two-sided. Its beautiful. But its also ugly. The circuit between the two can switch at any time. We have a whole new normal happening now. You survive, one hour, one minute, one second. Whatever you need to. There is no magic duct tape that will heal all that has happened, and will continue to happen in the next few days. It needs to come together at its own pace. And I know it will.

If not, there are plenty of vodka mini bottles in our mini-bar.

Brave Restoration

I've been doing my best to contrive words for what I experienced last weekend.

In March I became part the launch team for Jen Hatmaker's new book For The Love. 

I mentioned it in this post. The object of the game was simple.  

Receive an advanced copy of the book, read it, promote it.

Except that's not what happened. 

What happened was something none of us could have ever imagined.

Our launch team became a community of women (and four men) 

who were organic, raw, real, genuine, and just downright epic.

We didn't start off that way.  It began rather shallow.  "Hi, I'm so-and-so, I live here, and I'm SO EXCITED!"  As we began to receive our books, quotes began to fly around and the real began to creep in.  We moved from the shallow to the deep end.  We began to share things that maybe some of our nearest and dearest didn't know.  We shared the hard.  The struggles. It was a safe place. The hopes.  The dreams.  We loved on each other. We got silly. For reals.  People who lived in common areas began to meet up, prayers were asked and said a mile a minute, and we began showering each other with incredible love.  My Facebook news feed was clogged with For The Love Launch Team member posts every single day. 

Somewhere along the line, someone {joking} suggested a launch team party at Jen's farmhouse. 

And then Jen invited us all to her farmhouse for a Launch Team Party.

As I type this I am still finding it hard to put this experience into words.  I wasn't going to go.  Insert one of the 452 excuses I made here.  Some incredibly thoughtful women decided to start a scholarship fund for women who wanted to attend the party.  By the time this venture was completed, 27 women, myself included, were scholarship recipients. 

As I was boarding my first flight, a woman said, "I'm on the launch team too!" When we arrived in our connecting city, we met up with another launch team member and flew together to Austin.  When we arrived in Austin, we picked up another!

We greeted one another with hugs.  We were not strangers.

I stayed in a house with twelve other women.  

Twelve incredible souls that are now my dear friends.  

Initially, the excitement was all about going to Jen's.  Meeting Jen.  

It was a backyard party y'all.  

Two hundred + women, loving each other, loving Jesus, 

and embracing this incredible community we had built.

{Dinner on Jen's porch}

One of our sweet thirteen shared with me that she felt I was brave for coming. 

I didn't feel brave for coming.

I left feeling brave.  

Brave with clarity and direction.  

Brave to implement changes in my life that are long overdue.
 Brave to find myself again.
Brave to take some things off my beam.
Brave in realizing so many things.
Brave in just being me.

Community is a struggle for me.
It's something I have wrestled with since I was a young girl.
None of these women knew this, but they still love me for me.
I'm quick to brush things off because my life is so obtuse sometimes.
I either omit and ditch the participation factor or risk it and
find myself vulnerable in sharing, automatically feeling like I've overshared.

Still.

I feel brave.

On her website, Jen shares this little nugget:

 I want our home to be lovely and comfortable and sacred. 

I hope folks leave our home more restored than when they walked in the door.

 -Jen Hatmaker

Well.

 I feel beyond restored and I was just in her backyard. 

My Favorite Adoption Story: One in a Million

 I am so very excited to be partnering with Show Hope as a blogger for the Show Hope Blogging Network. I'll be writing to raise awareness and encourage discussion about the global orphan crisis. 

Jeremy was very confused when I told him about this particular assignment.

Share your favorite adoption story.  

"Well, why aren't you sharing ours?" he said. I could.  But most of you already know those. I want to share a story of incredible love, determination, hope, and grace.

I first met Amy when our names were shouted out in the same small group pairing of a summer women's bible study group. I knew of a few women in our group but didn't really know them. As we went around our precious circle, I learned a bit about Amy and her family.  When she shared her family was in the process of adopting from China, my heart skipped a beat.

A few weeks later Amy came to group clearly smitten.  She could barely contain herself as she flipped her iPad around and showed us a picture of this precious little girl. "Isn't she beautiful?!" Indeed she was.  She shared the story of a sweet baby girl Esther in China who went to heaven {due to a virus + her heart defeat} before her adoptive family was able to bring her home.  Esther's family designed T-shirts printed with "So Loved", with 100% of the profits of the proceeds funding a future heart surgery for an orphan in China.  A sweet angel named Kate had her future heart surgery fully funded!

Amy showed us the picture of "Kate".  And that was that.

No it wasn't.

Six months later "Kate" was referred to Amy's family.

A one in a million shot.  Literally.

Amy wrote, "Only God writes a story like this."

And so it was.

Kate became Grace.

That heart surgery?  That was prayed for and supposed to occur in China?  Never happened.

I watched from afar as their family dynamic changed in anticipation for Grace.  I watched Amy fight fear and worry as her sweet baby girl was thousands of miles away, being hospitalized over and over again. I had heard her speak about their adoption process months before and watched her growth and trust in Him. When it was real, she was real. I watched her develop a deep, deep passion for orphans. Hundreds of us stalked her Facebook page for updates while they traveled to China. We waited for that glimpse of the family all together and watched as her little personality emerged slowly but surely.

We watched Grace undergo the heart surgery she so desperately needed.  We witnessed a visceral love and tenderness that goes far beyond what we think we are capable of.  We watched as Grace went from blue to pink.  We saw Grace change by the healing grace of God. Its been a few years since she arrived home and hearing the word grace still causes me to think of Grace.

I'm truly not doing any justice to all things Grace.  I'm really not.

But what I do want to say is Grace's story holds a special place in my heart because it gave me hope. Hope for a mama who was beyond broken and had a very jaded view of adoption.  Hope for a mama who did not trust. Hope for a mama who thought her parenting journey was over. Healing to a mama who learned that its okay to not know everything. Healing to a mama who desperately needed to see God's working. Our stories matter.  We never know who's listening. I'm so thankful I met Amy, her family, and sweet Grace.

Grace changes everything.

You can find Amy's blog here.  

She also contributes monthly at No Hands But Ours

So Loved