Breakfast at Tiffany's

UPDATE: Shortly after I posted this, we received confirmation that Mimi will not be moved from her current orphanage as she is already "in-process".  Say it with me-THANK GOD!!!!

Raising AJ has taught me a lot of things.  I mean a lot.  The largest curve ball by far has been the transformation of a self-proclaimed introvert becoming a wildly knowledgeable advocate and actually being that advocate.  I was the little girl who was terrified to go and pay the bill at the restaurant after dinner.  Terrified.  It was those little experiences that built and egged on my social skills.  Practice, practice, practice.  When AJ arrived, I was thrust into this world of juggling therapies, therapists, insurance companies, products-you name it.  If he needed it I was on the phone or in person duking it out.  I've gone from that scared little girl to taking control and and advocating for my son; controlling what I can in the best way I know how. Quite a 180.

So when I spoke with our caseworker yesterday and she solidified, yet again, our lack of control within this adoption, I cried.  And found myself realizing it was time to write this post.

If you've been following our adoption process, you've come to know that our timeline and theories as to when things would/should be happening has changed quite a bit.  As we neared toward November and December, I started to think about whether or not she'd be home for her 3rd birthday in the spring.  And then I remembered what her paperwork said.  And panicked.  

Mimi is in an orphanage that is considered a baby orphanage...from infant to age 3.

THREE.

Do you see where this is going?

If we don't have her home by her birthday, she could be moved to another orphanage.  

The conversation with our caseworker yesterday left me with a pit in my stomach.  A confirmation of helplessness and grief for my baby girl.

"It is out of (the attorneys office), our, and your control as to whether or not she is moved".

Why is this a big deal, you ask?

I will try not to go all adoption 101 on you, but please understand that she has already experienced trauma.  And this, this move, will be more trauma for her.  And us picking her up, more trauma.  But in regards to her special needs, this potential move could be well, two-fold tramatic for her.  Where she is right now is familiar.  And while it is our personal opinion, from the referral information we received that she is loved, well cared for, and in a facility that is maintained well and has adequate resources for the children, it still isn't a home or a family.  So while it breaks my heart that she is there, it is also comforting to me that she is there...and remains there. 

She has been at this place for a long time.  She knows the space, what it smells like, what it sounds like.  She has her place at the table and her bed. She knows the people who care for her and the children she calls her friends and family.  This is her temporary home.  And while she's not putting up pictures or painting, she certainly isn't still living out of boxes and eating Ramen.  Do you see what I mean?

We have no control over this.  My gut says they will keep her there, because she already has a family in process.  But there is no guarantee. Which I suppose shouldn't surprise me because you really aren't in control when you adopt.  Period.  We won't have an answer until we travel.  My prayer is that our case is logged-in soon and we can visit and pick-up before her birthday.  That, my friends, is honestly a long shot.  My second prayer is to be logged-in soon, visit, and make a personal plea to keep her where she is until we pick her up.  Usually (said lightly and sarcastically) there is about a month between the visit and pick up trips.  I sure hope so. 

Earlier this week I went a little crazy was on Pinterest and decided to create a board for her 3rd Birthday.  After searching "girls birthday party" I came upon a Breakfast at Tiffany's party.  Oh my. And thus, the entire board is filled with this theme.  Trust me when I say this fits her to a "T". It was a moment of pure bliss planning for her. Black, white, Tiffany blue.  Oh my. The tiaras, little black dresses, the pearls.  All things girly and sweet. How I long to celebrate her and wish her all the good things in life.  You see it is not about the dress, or the pearls, or the gifts. It is about celebrating our precious daughter who deserves to be celebrated.  

Will you join us in praying for this birthday situation?  Please pray for her little being and for us to find comfort in peace with whatever may happen in light of her birthday and her adoption process.

Oh, and I bought this. Just because.

image

Big Brother

Sometimes, the complexity that is AJ leaves me breathless.  Sometimes in a not so good way.  But other times, in a state of disbelief.  Because we've had him in our lives since he was three months old {via adoption referral and photos}, we've had the distinct pleasure to watch him grow, change, and break through some pretty thick brick walls.

The last few months have been incredibly challenging for AJ is a physical sense.  His body has been none too kind and has been growing constantly.  His gains have been quiet and consistent, which is a change as he's usually an all or nothing, get the most "bang for my buck" kind of kiddo.

This was the second year he smiled for his class picture.

This was the first year he did not have a Christmas program at school.  This mama was unaware that they stop at 1st grade.  Sniff.

{Cochlear Implants}
Just before school began we had our yearly CI mapping.  When we arrived at the appointment, AJ walked in the sound booth, his audi announced we were going to do VRA (visual reinforcement audiometry) and test him with each CI individually and then together.  I shrugged and said lets give it a shot.  Note: we have not done this type of testing in a long, long time.  This kid waltzed in there, sat down on the floor (under the mark on the ceiling of course), LISTENED, and turned when he heard the sounds/his audi's voice through the speakers.  The visual part?  There are light boxes attached to the speakers with moving/light up cartoon characters as a reinforcement for turning).

We were all thrilled beyond belief.  Gone are the days of his sitting in the special chair with the tray with 10,000 soundless toys to keep his attention.  Gone are the days of me bouncing on a yoga ball while his audi distracted him with those same toys.  He just waltzed in there and did it.

And to top it off, he tested at 25dB across the board.  ACROSS.THE.BOARD.  We haven't been able to get real #'s on this kid for a long time.  It was awesome.  His audi adjusted his sensitivity on both implants as well.  This is what we call his "bubble".  This will enable to him to once again eat in the so freakin' loud lunchroom with his friends.  He will still hear what is going on in the room, it just won't be so overpowering and the focus will be more on what is directly around him.

Since that appointment, AJ has been wearing both his implants with more consistency instead of just the right.  The right is still most definitely his dominant ear, but it is music to my eyes-er, a wonderful sight to see when he purposely puts his left coil back on!! In fact, I may do a happy dance when this happens.  I try not to attract to much attention to my celebrations because I don't want him to stop doing it!  This activity is consistent between home and school.

His school staff has used his sensitivity setting for school assemblies and has seen great results.  We have used the setting for church and have had great success as well.  He's identifying sounds correctly with just his left implant.  Oh how far he's come!!!

{Cerebral Palsy}
'Tis my least favorite of all things AJ right now.  This is the physical piece I was talking about.  He had his last Botox injections in October.  The normal four injection spots in his left leg: adductor, gastrocnemius, tibialis anterior, and his hamstring.  We have gone through three different strains/types of Botox.  So let's call them B1-3.  B1 did wonders for a long time.  Then it stopped. Earlier this year we tried B2 which does not have protein in it.  The thought was it would last longer since he burns them off faster than they are supposed to last {of course}.  It didn't make a difference.  So we are now on B3, and he's had two doses of this thus far.  The wonderful side effect {no really, it is awesome} is that it dries his mouth out a bit so the drooling ceases a bit.

However, this last round burned off in around a month and didn't do much at all.  Other than stopping the drooling.  That it did.  And that little side effect showed me just when it was starting to wear off.  SIGH.  We're at a crossroads again.  And you know we will do everything in our power to avoid surgery.  I have an appointment scheduled with his Physical Medicine doctor (CP doc) to discuss our options.  His muscles are pulling so tight they pull his foot up, so he looks like he's a toe walker- and a mean one at that.  It is extremely painful and now, his leg is not only up but turning in again. His right foot/leg has begun to also be rigid, as it is overcompensating and trying to match the left leg, so he's toe walking on both feet.

My gut says we should trying one more round of botox, with two injection sites instead of the four. We already decided against phenol injections, as 1) THANK GOD he is not scheduled for a surgery or procedure in the near future 2) his CP doc wasn't wild about it when it was mentioned.  She's all kinds of amazing, so I trust her opinion and I wasn't too thrilled with the idea to begin with.  Phenol injections are typically done while a patient is already under (hence the other procedure scheduling). With AJ's history, it is way, way, way too dangerous to put him under anesthesia for 15 minutes to give him injections.  We're upping the usage of his night brace and his TENS unit to see if that will help give him relief.  Also on the docket are having our whirlpool tub finally fixed and of course, his continued deep tissue massages.

Night Brace

TENS Unit

We are in for -50 degree weather tomorrow.  Ohhhh my mama heart is so thankful I don't have to take him out in that.  He would, no doubt, have tremendous difficulty walking.  Cold makes his spasticity whip around and say, "Hello old friend! Miss me?!"  This week alone he rolled on his ankle twice walking out of school.  Winter is not his friend. We just keep plugging away.  Right? Right.

{Epilepsy}
Things have been pretty quiet in this deparment lately.  Which is a very welcomed blessing!  He had quiet an active few weeks during the beginning of the school year, which allowed his entire school staff to witness his seizure patterns.  While I am not thankful for the seizures, I am thankful that the staff was able to witness them and now knows what to look for.

Recently, I've wondered if AJ's seizure patterns are triggered by his Botox injections.  Of course, I am not absolutely certain, but this is one small reason as to why I am open to trying one more round of Botox, to see if there is a correlation.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't want my child to have seizures.  But, it may be a process of elimination.  There are some other things we can do for his spasticity (in addition to what we already do) including chiropractic care and/or accupuncture (meh).  This will be a definite discussion with his CP doc.

Back to the epilepsy, he seems to be holding steady. 

{Keratosis Pilaris}
For some, this is a tiny diagnosis and for some it is major.  I would say AJ's in the moderate to major range.  Since switching to "Free" products, including ALL Free & Clear laundry detergent, Aveeno Sensitive Body Wash, Sunscreen, and the Aveeno Baby Lavender Calming Lotion, he's been doing phenomenal.  I bought a different type of "Free" laundry detergent a while back and saw a change in his skin.  I guess they aren't all created equal.  AJ's face frequently breaks out in a rash when he's had something acidic to eat, and the acidity can range from low to high and he'll still break out, but we're able to clear that up with some good 'ol hydrocortisone.  It is such a relief not to see all those tiny little bumps on his skin.

*I am in no way being compensated to like these products.  We just truly LOVE them and they work for AJ.

{Communication}
iPad: We recently changed the communication program we've been using on AJ's ipad.  Since he began using an ipad two years ago (holy smokes!), we've used iCommunicate.  This app was friendly for his staff to use and navigate, but wasn't so AJ friendly in terms of independent use.  So, after much discussion with his SLP we chose to go with GoTalk.  This app is amazeballs.  Ha!  First time I've used that um, word???  I've been programming his lunch choices in so he can tell the staff what he wants for hot lunch every day.  The schedules are much more user friendly and he's getting the hang of it.  He's able to independently navigate his iPad now, turning it on, swiping to unlock the screen, choosing the correct icon menu (usually his Sensory apps) and choosing the app he wants.  If he wants out, he presses the home button and goes to another app.  He's even learned how to get to the start of one of his apps after he's accidentally gone to the instructions page.  Smart cookie.

RPM: Speaking of a smart cookie....  Over the summer, I posted a frustrating post on Facebook. AJ and I had a very rough day due to his inability to communicate.  This still happens, yes it does.  I had met our local RPM specialist at a non-profit event I was working last year.  I had heard of RPM, but didn't think it was a good fit for AJ for several reasons.  She messaged me and the thought of AJ being a candidate for RPM began to swirl in my head.

RPM stands for Rapid Prompt Method.  It was created by the mother of an autistic child.  Now bear with me, as I am explain this at the most basic, fundamental level. It is AMAZING.  To be honest, AJ's RPM journey deserves its own post.  However, I wanted to include the basics in this post.  RPM users go from using the working tool (pencil) to point to their answers.  Their choices are written out on several pieces of paper, with the paper ripping into small pieces as the auditory cue that it time to answer the question.  From here, users use the working tool to trace letters on a stencil board.  From the stencil board it goes to pointing to letters on paper, and then eventually writing or typing.

AJ had his first consult a few months ago and STUNNED us ALL.  This is working for him.  When his RPM provider said, "I'm not sure if he knows how to spell yet, but...".  That word...

YET.  RPM has taught me to stop underestimating this child.  Even when I am doing so unconsciously.  Again, I will go into more detail in another post, but for now, AJ is using RPM at school for math and reading, answering WH questions, oh I just can't get enough of this.  It's been a huge eye-opener and we can't wait to see what he'll do next.

From all of this, we have learned that AJ is a multi-approach child.  Limiting him to one form of communication does not work for him.  What is so amazing is how he uses all of these things together to communicate his world.  Amazing.

{Vision}
Nothing new to report. Hooray!

{Eating}
AJ's been throwing us for a loop with his eating recently.  Time to bust out that Nuk brush and Z-vibe and get at it again.  With all the growing he's done, I know that his entire mouth, throat, etc. feels different, just as the food and liquid going down it feels different.  He gets so much of his overall body awareness and coordination from his mouth and when that's all jacked up, so is the rest of him.  We will keep working on it.  But overall, there is only one food on his NO list, and that is celery.  He's come a LOOOOOONG way.  He enjoys hot/flavorful sauces on his food.  If it doesn't have enough zip, he's generally not interested in it.  He's also quite obsessed with frozen fruit pops.  After a long conversation with his feeding SLP we have discovered that he gets quite a bit of organization from these cold tubes of delight.  It used to be super spicy foods, now its the cold.  We just keep rollin' with the punches.

{Lil' Sister}AJ has surprised us with his attention to things changing around here.  He can identify and choose his sister's voice during his speech time at school.  Be.still.my.heart.  He continues to watch her videos with us.  We don't want him to forget about her even though she's not here yet. He helped get her room ready.  He likes to play in her room, and steal her shoes.  All in all, the beginning of a beautiful friendship, I think.

Dear Baby Girl ~ December 2013

Dear Baby Girl,

Oh how things have changed since the first draft of this letter to you.

The last two weeks have been a fierce whirlwind.  Our dossier {the big packet of forms that goes to the Bulgarian government saying we want to adopt you} was requested early in order to get a jump start on translation.  By early I mean we had everything except one form. Bulgaria contacted our adoption agency to ask where we were with dossier completion.  Sweet girl, this does not happen.  It just does.not.happen.

Mama's heart broke a little when our agency confirmed that the Bulgarian government closes down for Christmas.  But then! Oh then, when our dossier was requested, it was clarified that it was requested so that translation can take place now and the entire dossier be ready for submission to the Ministry of Justice when they open post-holiday. The last piece of our dossier is the United States immigration approval.  This gives us permission to adopt from a specific foreign country.

Last week went something like this:

Tuesday~Momma runs around like crazy getting things notarized, picking up extra documents and having Daddy sign more documents after some much needed clarifications.  Momma calls the Secretary of State's office in Madison and begs for expedition of apostilles on our documents, explaining the circumstances. Momma mails documents to Madison to be apostilled.

Wednesday~Momma emails USCIS: Hague Adoptions to inquire on our immigration application status.  Momma goes to have her hair done.  She sits in the salon and checks her email to find an email from USCIS stating we have APPROVAL. Momma shouts YES! at the top of her lungs and the entire salon turns their heads.

Saturday~Apostilled documents arrive in our mailbox.  Momma and Daddy do a VERY happy dance.  Momma opens the envelope to find that two documents were not able to apostilled.  The process has changed and they need to be done different, and through a different office.  Momma makes copies of everything and mails everything to our adoption agency.  It has arrived at our agency, now we just wait for the immigration approval (with apostille) to arrive at the agency and everything goes to Bulgaria for translation.

Sunday~We finish the initial preparations for your room and take pictures for the dossier.  Your brother helped!

Monday~Hard copy of our immigration approval letter comes in the mail.  Momma and Daddy do another VERY happy dance.

Tuesday~Christmas Eve. Momma stands with your brother in the aisle so he can watch the music and lights and sheds tears, knowing that next year I'll have two hands to hold in this very moment.

Wednesday~Christmas Day.

I hope your orphanage is full of Christmas spirit.  I hope you have a tree to stand awestruck in front of and yummy treats to celebrate.  I hope you are enjoying Bulgarian children's Christmas songs.  We've added as many as we could find to our own Christmas music listening.  I have felt so blessed to have such amazing technology and access to research your culture, your world, your heritage.  I hope there is sparkly garland hanging on the walls and across the windows.  Christmas is a big thing for your country, so I have no doubt you will be celebrating it. We are praying you were celebrated there as you are here.

But oh how we wish you were here with us.  The Christmas before we brought your brother home felt bittersweet and out of place.  Someone was missing.  This year was and is no different.  You are missing, my baby girl.   You are SO loved and SO missed. Listening to Bulgarian Christmas songs makes me cry.  I long to hear your sweet voice in person. Our Christmas theme this year at church was Wonderstuck.  That, my dear girl, is what our journey to you has been all about.  Has anything left you wonderstruck?  Ab.so.lutely.

We decided to decorate our Christmas tree in honor of you.  We chose all red ornaments.  Do you like it?

You have your own tree in your room, too.  See?

Grandma made you your first stocking:

And you received your first Christmas gifts:

We love you SO much.  Christmas isn't about gifts.  Christmas is about THE gift.  We are so thankful to Christ for coming to this world.  We are so thankful for His blessings.  You and your brother are our blessings.  Even though we long to hold you, cuddle you, watch you marvel at the magic of Christmas, fluff your pretty dresses and have you pose next to your brother, we know the GIFT of YOU is well worth waiting for.

Merry Christmas Baby Girl.

Love,

Mommy & Daddy

Sometimes

Sometimes I find myself feeling like I'm living in multiple universes.

There is the universe of AJ, which is all encompassing of all things crazy and wonderful simultaneously.  It is the world of mini-marshmallows needed for this week's class Christmas party, trouble-shooting his continued spasticity in his legs, and programming his new communicate app with lunch choices for the month.

There is the universe of being a student, in which today marked the beginning of my second to last class.

And then.

Then there is our Mimi girl.

I won't say its easy to forget, because forget is not the appropriate word.  I cannot nor will I ever forget.  However, with the other two universes intersecting with this rather large one, they rotate importance.  They orbit?  Sure.  Lately my classes and AJ's needs have been at the front of the line.  They've kept me busy while my heart aches during this Christmas season.  I mean....aches.

We hadn't heard much in way of our adoption process.  Until two weeks ago. We learned, as we suspected, that the Bulgarian government pretty much shuts down for the Christmas and New Years holidays.  Even though we suspected this would be the case, I still mourned this news.  And of course, because I cannot share specific information about her, I cannot share why this was and is so heart-breaking. We set a goal of having our dossier in Bulgaria by mid-January.

And then last week happened. Our caseworker called, causing my heart to drop to my stomach thinking something was wrong.  The association our agency works with in Bulgaria called for an update on our dossier.  Yes. Our child's country called us for an update on our progress.  When the phone rang I was sure something was wrong.  I could not have been more wrong with my thinking.

Our dossier documents, minus our US immigration approval letter, have been sitting, ready to go. Well, that's not entirely true.  One other document was secured today, so that's really all that matters.  Despite waiting on our immigration approval, our documents have been requested for translation.  Let me tell you, it is a shocking yet amazing feeling to feel someone halfway around the world, yet in the same country as your daughter, advocating for you and your child. After a whirlwind couple of days, I sent 21 documents (with multiple pages included in each "document") to our state capital for apostilling today.  In short, pretty certificates on top of each stapled grouping of documents. I pleaded our desperation/need for expedition of these apostilles and can only hope we'll receive them next week either the day before Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas.  As soon as we receive that last letter, I will send it for apostilling and it will follow the rest of our documents to Bulgaria.

Once all of our documents are translated, they will go to the Ministry of Justice and we will be logged-in. This generally takes a month.

And then?

We can travel to meet our daughter.

Sometimes, it hits me hard.  All that has transpired in such.a.short.period.of.time.  When you are in the process, there is no "standard" timeline.  You are given timelines, but they rarely correlate to your case.  Remember THIS?  Right now I am sitting at #3, #6, #7, and #8.   Someone is missing, and boy do we feel it with Christmas right around the corner.  Adoption is not pregnancy, and I will say that til my last breathe.  I'm not sure when she's coming home.  And my biggest fear, is if she will truly come home.  It's that fear that I felt when our caseworker called. What happened?!

If you have been following our process, you have noticed that our timeline has changed several times over.  While we are familiar with hold-ups, and static case status' happening on the country-side, we are not familiar with delays happening on the US side.  While we've had only minor blips, they have pushed our case back by months.  Knowing about Mimi so early in the process has made things more emotional than I could have ever imagined.

And then I remember how we received a referral before formally applying.  Days after contacting our social worker to start the process.  Days.  And she called about a little girl.  A little girl.  We never decided on a girl name when choosing names for our first child (before we received AJ's referral) because "Schmidts don't have girls".  We never thought we'd have a girl. Ever.

And yet when we saw her, we knew her name immediately.  We knew her middle name.   All of today I ran on adrenaline, determined to get these documents off to their destination.  So tonight, its really sinking in that our dossier is DONE.  There is no more paperwork for us to print, fill-out, fax, copy, sign, email.  We are DONE. We are waiting on the efforts of others.  Just short of six months from learning about our baby girl.  In.credible.

Sometimes, beyond all the chaos is beauty. Beauty that is so deep that it brings tears and relief.

 I've started to fill her dresser with clothes.  Her mattress and crib pad arrived yesterday.  This is happening.  And I am so grateful we are in this place, this moment.  I want to enjoy every second of anticipating her without the worry of paper, forms, and legalities.  I want to embrace the humanity of this miracle we are so blessed to be a part of.  I want to swirl the can of paint for her room and paint her walls with warmth.  I want to wash her sheets the way a mother does and make her bed.  Even if it is just (for now) for photographs that will be added to our dossier, I want to make this her home.  She's in our hearts, its time to make her impending presence a reality in our home.

The -bles

There are moments in our journey where I feel paralyzed.  I have an enormously long list of to-do's, which include things that go far beyond the typical grocery shopping and laundry.  So much to do, so much fog in my brain that I scrap it all and freeze.

Today is one of those days.

If we start the clock when we announced adoption #2, we have been on this journey for 4 months. SO MUCH has occurred in such a tiny timeframe.  Just a crack of light during a morning's worth of sun.  AJ announced he was going to be a big brother and a week later we had a referral.  Boom. Boom. Boom goes the process.  Fast. Quick. Wild.

Stop. Wait. Wait. Wait.

But didn't you just say you've only been waiting 4 months?

Yes.  I did.  But if you have adopted, or have been part of someones process in the least bit, you know that a millisecond can feel like an eternity when you are waiting.  And if you think of how long our baby girl has been waiting, which is the real wait in all of this, then you must start from the moment she entered this world. That. THAT.  SHE.  She is what makes all of this worth it. So worth it.

Have you read THIS?  If not, please do and then come back here to me.

Right now I'm sitting at #9 and #12.  Yes friends, I am stupid and a total mess.  Stupid in the way of may brain being mush, fog, and overloaded.  I may seem brave on the outside, or a total pro (hardy har har) because we've adopted internationally before.  What you don't see are the outbursts of frustration and me completely overwhelmed when answering the same question for the tenth time on paperwork.  You don't see the tears or my darkest moments when I'm lying in bed wonder what we've gotten ourselves into.  You don't see the doubt, the fear, the questions floating aimlessly.

I am vulnerable.

I feel terrible.

Sometimes. Because not only are we in the midst of Mimi's adoption process, we are also raising a son who has been rather intense lately.  And while he deserves an entire blog post all his own (which will happen), juggling the two has been a struggle.  The summer months I worried that he was getting "leftovers" of his Mommy.  We jumped right into Mimi's adoption and there were times that paperwork had to be done, yes right that moment because it needed to go to the post office that afternoon, which meant less swinging and more things to keep him occupied on his own. I felt guilty, and continue to feel guilty at times.

I am humble.

This is by far my favorite -ble and the feeling I am most grateful for.  When we began this journey, there was no magic money tree that sprouted up in the backyard.  There was no big savings account sitting and waiting for this.  We felt called to adopt, no matter what the cost.  I sat paralyzed, anxious and unsure as to whether to hit the "create" button on our GoFundMe.com puzzle fundraiser.  When we began planning our silent auction fundraiser, I wondered if we'd have any items donated or if people would even come.  What do we sell tickets for?  How are we going to do this?

I hit that button and Mimi's puzzle began to have names written on the back of each piece.  We created the flyers for our fundraiser with a handful of donated items, which multiplied to over 60 by event night.  Tickets sold at just the right price and the auction was very successful.  The love we have felt is overwhelming, humbling, and strengthening.

I no longer ask how we are going to do this.  We ARE doing this.

Asking for help is a bit of a faux pas in today's world.  That pains me.  It's why I sat on my bed, terrified to hit that button.  One click made us vulnerable to the rest of the world.  The American way has turned into the "Me" way.  And if this sounds preachy, its not meant to be. It's something I've been learning about a lot in my recent classes.  Coincidence?  I think not.  We've become all about what's good for me and how does this or that benefit numero uno ME.  We live in the land of opportunity, so why not.  What am I going to get out of this?  Why do I want to help so and so?  This is why I never want to watch the news....

I've stopped caring about the label the world has created about need.  I like being humble.  Humble is where I hope to always be.  And if I get lost, I hope to find my way back.  Because it is truly a beautiful place to be.

Over the last few weeks I've spent many hours filling out adoption grant and loan applications.  They have been just as difficult and pokey as the adoption paperwork itself.  Pokey?  Yeah, pokey.

Why did you decide to adopt?

Are you prepared for post-placement/attachment?

How are you prepared for post-placement/attachment?

What have you done in preparation for this?

Give us a breakdown of all of your adoption costs.  Now give us a breakdown of every single part of your financial world.

Have you raised funds on your own?  How much and how?

Provide a statement of faith.

Provide references.

Describe why you need financial assistance with adoption.

Are you sure you wanna do this?  Huh? Huh? Huh?  C'mon?! Are ya sure?!

None of them have the exact same requirements.  Different requirements, timelines, supplemental documents and information.  I think a small part of me thought (and thought wrong) that these applications would be less intimidating than the adoption paperwork.  Oh, was I wrong.  It has been a much needed reminder that while parts of our process have been super smooth and easy, this is not easy.  No one said it would be easy. I read a post the other day that said "If she's amazing, she won't be easy...if she's she's worth it, you won't give up".

So I'm not giving up.  I'm pushing, or at least giving it my all to push dark and negative thoughts out of my head. The grant applications have been filled out and submitted.  Submitted with tons of supplemental documents, including cover letters explaining how we are almost at the end of our process.  You see, because we are.  We are waiting on immigration approval.  Once we receive that letter, our dossier will go to agency, then to Bulgaria, and be logged in.  Once we are logged in, we travel to meet her.  Meeeeeet her.  Oh I can hardly stand saying that without squealing.  Typically, a family waits for a referral after log-in.

Incredible.

This is where I am reminded how incredible Mimi's adoption has been.  Our referral came within days.  Before we applied. So we are at the end of the paperwork trail.

We are still in need of $17K to bring our girl home.

I know you are asking, why is she sharing this? Because we have always been transparent with this blog and will continue to be.  I pray every day that this amount continues to decrease.  As we get closer, my heart beats faster and worry creeps in every now and then.  I cover my head with my blankey and shut the world out in fear, thinking

Impossible.

And then I remember how her adoption has been provided for thus far. Incredible.  We are trusting.  Trusting God will provide.  And that doesn't mean he will bibidy-bobidy-boo a money tree in the back yard.  That doesn't mean we expect him to drop it off on the doorstep.  But we know he is ABLE.  He is laying out this beautiful journey to our daughter. Here we are, four months later, closer than ever to bringing our baby girl home.  Nothing is impossible.

He makes us ABLE.

Surreal

Hello Friends.

It's been a while, eh?

I've been contemplating a post.  I suspect this is what happens often in the minds of bloggers.

The norm goes something like this...There you are, walking through the aisles of Target when suddenly a blog post title pops into your head.  The post begins to write itself in your head as you continue shopping, etc...

Except there haven't been any moments like that in a while.  I have so much to say, but no way to put it in any type of order right now.  So know this friends...it will come.

But I do want to share something with you...

Yesterday AJ walked into the bathroom and got into the bin of things I have sitting on top of the counter.  I heard something knock into the wall in his bedroom and went flying in his room only to smell something.  It was sweet, sultry, earthy, spicy, and delightful all at the same time.  But I couldn't find the source.  What IS that, I thought?

AJ had wrapped my perfume bottle in his blanket.

This may seem like a ridiculously simple event, but it speaks volumes.  At some point in my mid-twenties I became very practical about girly things.  My perfume collection narrowed to two, and has since narrowed to one selection.  I'm sure that perfume normally does not last as long as this particular bottle has.  It is the scent I have worn the six years AJ has been home.

For AJ, the scent coming from that bottle was his Mommy.  AJ is very sensitive and acutely aware of two senses: touch and smell.  Just as we carried AJ's baby blanket back and forth from Guatemala so the dogs could get used to his smell, AJ learned what his Momma smells like.  He couldn't hear me and couldn't really see me, he could only feel and smell me.

He smiled and giggled when I found the bottle.  He picked it up and handed it to me.

Translation: Here Mommy.  I love you.  This is you, and I love it, so I love you.  Don't ever change it ok?  Ok.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself and make sure that all of this is real.  That this little boy is here, mine, and that the past six years have really passed.  Moments like this make it so new.  I have to pinch myself in realizing things will soon change.  My heart aches for Mimi to smell me too.  Does that sound weird?  I know it does. But it makes so much sense to me.  I'm trying to think of the perfect thing to leave with her when we visit.  A bear? A blanket?  A piece of clothing?  I don't know.  I suppose I'll have to decide spur of the moment with the orphanage staff as to what we can have "stay with her" and only her for that month between trips.  This season of waiting is incredibly hard and surreal all at the same time.  How is that possible?  I don't know, I can only testify that it IS.

I often wonder if AJ loves us.  And sure, to the outside world he does and he's happy so it appears that all is well in his world.  But recently, I've struggled deeply with his inability to communicate certain things. I want to know when my baby hurts, when he loves, when he is angry, and when he is scared.

So for him to explain how he feels to me, in his own way, well...that was a very real moment for me folks.

Strength will rise as we wait...

Things on the adoption front have been seriously quiet.  

Which had me in a quite a funk-a-dunk and gave me way too much time to building worry, anxiety, and allow bad thoughts to swirl in my brain.  Negative thoughts.  Worry?  Did I mention worry?  

Here's a look at what has transpired since the last timeline I posted
(new developments are in red):

March 17th-Officially decided to adopt again
March 17th-25th Explored and prayed over all adoption options (domestic, international, foster)
April 27th-Reviewed country choices for our first placement agency of choice, All God's Children International (AGCI) in Oregon
April 28th-Submitted free pre-application for All God's Children International-chose the Philippines
May 1st- Began working on gathering medical letters in support of Jeremy's stable health
May 2nd-Touch base with our homestudy agency Special Children Inc. (SCI)
May 7th-Jeremy's personal medical letter sent to AGCI
May 14th-Confirmation-alll medical letters have arrived at AGCI, approved by social services department, but still encouraged to choose another country-we choose Bulgaria
May 31st-Touch base again with SCI
June 7th-Phone call with Deb, our social worker/case worker at SCI (we used her with AJ's adoption too!)
June 8th-(Our Anniversary) SCI Homestudy Packet arrives
June 14th-Announce to family and friends we are adopting again!
June 20th-Creation of our Adoption Puzzle Fundraiser on GoFundMe
June 20th-First puzzle piece donation made!
June 20th-Submitted formal application and fee to AGCI
June 21st-Received initial call about a little girl in Bulgaria who needs a home through another placement agency-Americans for International Aid and Adoption (AIAA) in Michigan
June 24th-Received official referral information for Mimi
June 25th-Submission of referral documents to pediatrician, ophthalmologist, University of Minnesota International Adoption Clinic, PT, SLP, and Vision Specialist
June 27th-Accepted Mimi's referral
June 27th-Letter of Intent specific to Mimi signed and notarized
June 28th-(AJ's birthday) Announced Mimi's referral publicly
June 28th-Mailed Letter of Intent to Secretary of State in Madison, WI to be apostilled
July 3rd-Received apostilled Letter of Intent from Madison
July 5th-Mailed apostilled Letter of Intent to AIAA
July 5th-AIAA Packet with Formal Application arrives
July 8th-Letter of Intent is received at AIAA
July 19th-Confirmation that Letter of Intent is in Bulgaria with the translator
July 23rd-SCI Homestudy visit/75% of required documents, including formal application and fee are submitted
July 25-27th-Operation Mimi Rummage!
July 25th-Formal application, fee, and other forms sent to AIAA
July 30th-Officially place our application on indefinite hold with AGCI and inform them of Mimi and AIAA
July 30th-Confirmation from AIAA that Letter of Intent is at the Ministry of Justice (MOJ) in Bulgaria
July 30th-MOJ requests POA, Declaration, and Personal Statement to be completed and submitted ASAP
August 7th-Dossier packet received via email from AIAA

August 22nd-MOJ sends urgent request for Intermediary Agreement to be completed and submitted the same day

August 23rd-Manual Fingerprinting (Round 1) completed and sent to the FBI for clearance
August 28th-MOJ approves our application and documents submitted thus far.  Dossier is now required to be in Bulgaria within 6 months from this date, by February 28th.

September 28th Operation Mimi "Apps & Bids" Adoption Fundraiser
Homestudy report completed
Apply for adoption grants and loans
I-800A Apply to USCIS for Immigration Approval & Obtain Fingerprinting Appointment DateDigital Fingerprinting Appointment (Round 2)
Wait on immigration approval of I-800A immigration application, called the I-171H (30-90 days)
Dossier documents sent to Madison for apostilling Dossier put together and sent to AIAA
Dossier sent from AIAA to Bulgaria
Dossier logged in at the Ministry of Justice (takes 2-4 weeks from arrival)
Travel to visit
One month lapses
Travel again to pick-up-Mimi!

We are on pin and needles waiting for our homestudy report.  We are stuck.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  Stuck.  

We received word in August that we were "pre-approved" by the Bulgarian Ministry of Justice.  Wahoo!  What we didn't expect was that the "6 months to complete your paperwork" changed.  We were given more time.  Instead of 6 months from the Letter of Intent (June), it was now 6 months from this pre-approval.  So this gives us til February.  Which, has become a blessing because 1) we still don't have our homestudy 2) we have not applied for immigration approval which could take 3 months to process and approve.  We were given more time.
We also received word in August that we would not be receiving anymore information on Mimi until we travel to visit her.  I do believe my heart broke when I read that email.  We are learning, in process, how vastly different this adoption is from AJ's.  It's given a whole new meaning to the word diversity in adoption. 

The logical explanation of this is:
When AJ was in the orphanage in Guatemala, the attorney who owned the orphanage was his guardian.  Therefore, it was her call as to what we received in regards to pictures, medical updates, etc.  I called the monthly pictures my 30-day fuel.  Most of the time, the pictures came monthly.  They made me cry and smile simultaneously.  They helped us feel connected to our son and gave us fuel to keep forging ahead.

In Bulgaria, the government is the guardian of orphaned children.  Information is released for referral purposes only.  When we visit her, we will spend time with her and her staff at the orphanage.  I am talking HOURS people, not a quick stop.  Hours over DAYS. They will observe us with Mimi.  We will get to ask all the questions I have saved on a word document that keeps growing in word count daily.  Until then, we treasure the information, pictures, and videos we have thus far.  They are precious and we know we are blessed to have so much information on her.  

Bulgarian's government guardianship is also the reason why we cannot share her with all of you.  This piece of her story is sometimes the hardest-in the moment.  She is so REAL.  I can assure you of that.  However, there is a piece that seems to be missing.  I'm not allowed to send her photos to have them printed anywhere.  Tomorrow will include a trip to Target to purchase a new color cartridge for the printer in the closet.  She's in our hearts, so she's going to be on our walls.

And, as if this needed a cherry, we are not allowed to send her a care package.  I had prayed for the right song to sing into some stuffed animal so that she could hear my voice.  The word "hear" holds such meaning to both of us for so many reasons.  When AJ was in Guatemala, we were allowed to send him a care package.  One.gallon.ziploc.bag. Somehow, I shoved a baby photos album, rattle, onesies (plural), and a lot more into that bag.  I was hoping for, at the very least, the ziploc experience again.  When I asked the question, I knew the answer.  But my heart still needed confirmation. Stupid heart.

While in the midst of our homestudy requirements we were required to complete a certain number of hours of adoption education/training.  This process rocked both Jer and I.  We heard a lot we already knew, have, and continue to experience.  But we also learned a lot that made us go, "Ohhhhhhhhhh!"  It caused a lion in me to awake and process some feelings regarding AJ's attachment process and how it has gone well, had its struggles, and how it still continues, 6 years post-adoption.  AJ came home at chronological age 13 months-assumed age due to orphanage care 7/8 months-arrived home and evaluated at a newborn level.   Mimi is most certainly not going to be at any of those stages.  She is a toddler.  And that, well that makes me ache for her.  No child should spend the bulk of their early years, ANY YEARS, in an orphanage.  I digress...

I am processing feelings of knowing full well this precious love, whom we love already, will probably not love us at first sight.  She might hate us.  

She will push us away.  Of this I am certain.

She will go through trauma of leaving the only thing she's ever known besides a hospital and doctor's visits and be thrust in the arms of this weepy loving couple who want to dote on her.  Dote, shmote.  The reaction begins quickly.  AJ reacted, and so will she.  The grieving begins sooner than later.

And the only thing I can do, half-way across the world is pray for her sweet soul.  Don't misunderstand me, prayer is POWER. But my Mama heart wants to pray with her living, breathing sweet being in my arms.  

When things are quiet, motionless, and even stagnant in this process, it is so easy to become discouraged.  To question.  To lose faith.  To ask the question-why are we doing this?

And then I remember that this was no accident.  I had a conversation with God telling him I was putting our family's future in his hands and the next morning my husband woke up and said he was ready to adopt again.  Days after announcing our adoption plans we receive a referral.  I create a puzzle fundraiser, the first of many fundraising ventures to bring our baby girl home, staring at the screen, terrified to hit "POST".  I do, and God provides through our amazing family and friends.

We are waiting.  While that is incredibly hard, He is building strength in us while we wait.  Perhaps this quiet time is to encourage us to cherish this time as a family of 3.  Perhaps it is to prepare AJ, as best we can, for his world and our world to be rocked when we become a family of 4.  Perhaps its to give us time to prepare Mimi's bedroom as it is now a requirement for our dossier to have photos of her completed, ready-for-her room.  Perhaps its to allow us time to gather the funds needed to bring our precious girl home.

Even though my heart doesn't want to wait, I know it is with purpose that we wait.

**Mimi has her own playlist-some of you have been asking me what's "on" her playlist thus far, I've posted it in the right sidebar.

Dear Baby Girl ~ August 2013

Dear Baby Girl,

Today was a quiet one. No emails from either agency, no paperwork screaming with immediacy, nothing to pickup or drop off.

Sometimes, these days are harder than the chaotic ones.  On these days your mama has a chance to breath, therefore losing the adrenaline that has fueled the last few days.  Days or weeks.

You feel so incredibly far away.  I know for our wonderful readers that statement must sound absolutely insane, but it is so very true.  It pains me and your daddy that we are not able to share you yet.  There are rules, regulations, governments, and legalities.  My heart doesn't want to hear anything about legal-schmegal. We've seen your sweet face, your beautiful being.  We've seen you in your element, and heard your infectious giggle.  Oh, how I wish we could share you!

Your big brother and I watched your videos again today.  Each time he becomes more and more familiar with what we are watching.  It is so incredible to watch him connect with you.  I turn the volume up so not only your brother hears you, but your furry siblings too.  I look at every single detail in your pictures and videos.  Where things are, how many straps are on your shoes, and what colors you are surrounded by.  When we first learned about your brother, I memorized the colors of the mats in the first picture we received.  I'm memorizing your story too, sweet girl.

I listened to some Bulgarian language learners today.  Oh, nelly.   Your mama and daddy have a lot of work to do.  I know you are understanding and responding to Bulgarian, so we need to get on the ball.

We our dosssier requirements yesterday.  Holy coconuts.  Do you know what a coconut is?  We'll teach you.  Anyhow, when you are older, I will explain this all to you.  And we will make copies of the papers and color/paint/put stickers all over them and make them look pretty.  Yes we will.  Because the anticipation of experiencing that moment, and some many other moments with you is what keeps us moving forward.

There is something about filling out all of this paperwork. The whiplash from hurry, hurry, rush, rush to being stopped dead in your tracks. It wears on you.  It digs deep.  It's almost as if we are being second-guessed, constantly. But we are ready.  We are ready for you and will do whatever we need to bring you home!

Your room is slowly coming together.  We've chosen a paint color (Misty Aqua) and have found a toddler bed for you.  Your room is very Weasley.  That's a tip to Harry Potter.  Harry Who?  I will explain this to you too.  Did you know the adoption authority in your home country is called the Ministry of Justice?   It is. Mama giggles whenever she hears someone say  "The Ministry..." because it reminds her of Harry Potter. I wanted your room to be warm, cozy, and cottage-like.  That is what it shall be.  The perfect shelf was hand-delivered, as was an adorable toy box.  Grandma found a glider and we found this beautiful fabric for it....

The time of day has changed around here...when asked what time it is, we now state the current time along with:  it's x:xx in Sofia.  This helps guide our thoughts as to what you are doing.  Are you outside?  Are you napping?  Are you eating?  Are you playing with your favorite things?  Do you sleep with a favorite toy or blankey?  What did you have for lunch today?  What songs do they sing to you?  What's your favorite book?  Who is your favorite caregiver?

All these questions.  With no solid answers.  But they will come, I know they will.  For now, I stay addicted to my phone, checking my email what seems like every 3 seconds.  Making sure my ringer is on and not on vibrate.  I'm praying for so many things. This all going so fast and not fast enough all at the same time.

I see you everywhere.  Every nook and cranny of trouble your brother gets into, I know that all too soon you will be right with him.  I see a photo of children holding hands now and weep.  Uncontrollably. You are the greatest gift...to all of us.

I hope you can feel how loved you are.

Love,

Mommy

Loving Her

There are many things about the adoption process that bug me.  Many.  Perhaps the reason they are weighing on me now is because we are in the thick of it and I am seriously overwhelmed. 

What has bothered me the most recently is the polar opposite reaction to Mimi and her special needs. 

I have heard things you would never, ever, ever ask a pregnant woman.  For all intensive purposes, we are pregnant, people.  Except we have no due date.  And are dealing with three different governments. But its kinda the same. Just imagine a bucket of paper in front of my tummy if that helps give you a visual.  Except, no we aren’t pregnant.  So this makes it a bit abstract, doesn’t it. 

The most common question, “If you get there and she has more than they’ve shared, will you say no?  You can say no, right?”

I’ve answered the question matter-of-factly with “Yes, if it’s not a good match, we can say no.”  It is truth that is a possibility if you are looking at this through a sterile lens of insensitivity.  We have the option, per our rights as adoptive parents in this process and how Bulgaria’s program works, we can say no.

But we won’t.

And we don’t want to.

We will not say no.

And please, please, please, I ain’t too proud to beg, please stop asking me this.

Because when you do, you forget that this is my daughter you are talking about.   You are turning her into a “headache” rather than the gentle human life she is.  She is a real person, with a heart,  and feelings, and a longing for a family that she probably doesn’t even realize is within her. 

Remember my Perfect post?  Yes.  I do believe this was my introduction of Mimi to all of you without me knowing at the time.

Imagine being handed a checklist.  A checklist in which you choose the type of child you are open to.  You can have all the medical technology in the world, the miracle of human life is that there are always surprises.  Beautiful, expected, unexpected, and sad.  They still exist.  When a woman births a child, she does not hand that child over simply because she has a birthmark.  She does not say no to that child when he or she is diagnosed with a childhood cancer.  We just don’t do that.  We do not deny children families and love because of their diagnoses-whenever they are given.

So why is it different in adoption?  There is such a dumb, for lack of a better word, assumption that you get to choose your child in adoption.  Therefore it is easier?  Haha, um, no.  I find this round, with knowing the child’s needs upfront, much more difficult. Please don’t misunderstand me as saying that we didn’t think long and hard about what medical needs we felt we’d be able to parent.  We did.  We thought long and hard and knew it would be a big concern for our social worker and agencies as to how we would hand X, Y, or Z.  But how do you handle things in life?  You either handle them or you don’t.  Fight or Flight?  We are fighting people.

I almost feel selfish being able to fill out ye ‘ol medical needs checklist.  Will you accept this?  Will you accept this? 

I have a deep love for this child.  Visceral. Did you feel that when your child was growing in your womb?  I bet you did.  I feel it too-in my heart.  Love is unconditional, isn’t it?  I have grieved for this child.  Oh, have I grieved.  Reading your child was abandoned is something you can’t quite describe.  I grieved for her the day we accepted her referral. I cried and literally shook for her.  I listened to this song, and this song, texted my dear, close mama friends, and prayed like I’ve never prayed before.   The phone call came with the question of our decision, and we stepped out on the edge.

I grieved the same for AJ, except I was a wreck in the midst of his doctor's appointments, therapies, and bonding. We came in on the back road, detour, dirt road, alleyway, when it came to AJ.  We had no idea what we were in for.  And now here we are, with this amazing little boy who has taught us more than you could ever imagine.  We will love this little girl for who she is.  Plain and simple.

No, I’m not sure how the logistics will work having AJ’s needs and Mimi’s needs together under one roof.  Right now, we are focusing our attention on AJ and doing everything we can to get his little sister home.  I have no doubt it will be difficult.  I also have no doubt it will be the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my thirty-some years thus far.  I know that with AJ things got better and better. We’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel with AJ.  I can’t wait to see him holding his little sister’s hand at the end of her tunnel.  HE makes all things possible. I can only imagine the possibilities when she’s home and growing into the young lady she is destined to be. 

image

Rila Mountains-Bulgaria

What's Next?

That is the big question these days.  We are 95% done with our homestudy (all items below with an * are forms that have been completed and submitted already).  Once the last few forms come in, our social worker can write up the big report and send it off to our placement agency.  We'll have a copy too, so that I can begin applying for adoption grants and scholarships.  We will also begin working on our dossier requirements.  The dossier is the big kahuna.  It is the BIG packet of paper that is sent off to Bulgaria.  It includes our homestudy as well as other documentation that is required to be part of the dossier.  Our dossier MUST be in Bulgaria by the end of November.

So, say it with me "They are finishing this homestudy thingy, applying for grants, and working on another bunch of paper."

Exactly.

Since so many have asked...here is a breakdown of what is required for the homestudy:

*Interview(s) with your social worker, one of which is counted as the “home visit” where she comes to your home and rummages through your stuff---no, not really, but it feels like that!

Documentation:
*Adoption Application and Fee
*Supplemental Form (I do not do drugs, I do not have a history of bad things, etc)
*Adoption Study and Fee Contract
*State Criminal History Check
*State Driver’s License Record Check
*Background Information Disclosure
*Consent for Disclosure of Confidential Information
*Local Police Criminal Record Check
Adoptive Parent Health Report
*Child’s Health Report
*Health Insurance Verification (will your health insurance cover the adopted child?)
*Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, divorce decrees, and death certs of former spouse
*Federal Income Tax Form
*Assets, Liabilities, and Net Worth Form
*Three letters of reference
*Autobiographies for each parent
*Pre-Adoption Education/Training-18 hours required for Hague Convention countries *Bulgaria IS
*General Safety and Fire Protection Plan
*Vehicle and Homeowner’s Insurance Verification

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6