What Saves Me

I've written before about my sweet boy's amazing morning smile.  I've been trying to capture a picture of his uber early morning cuteness and well, it shouldn't surprise you that he turns into Mr. Growly Face when he sees my phone in my hand (does anyone use their camera anymore?).

It is usually mid-afternoon when my patience begins to run thin.  The removal of his left coil has occurred 8,438 times.  He's tired, I'm tired.  We're a mess. We somehow make it to and through dinner.  We move on to bathtime, which always brings a huge grin and rapid signing of the word "bath".  Bedtime follows, with the hugging of the greatest.pillow.ever and the tossing of his lavender-scented stuffed labrador out of his bed.  

Bedtime brings much needed rest to my little man and moments of peace for me.  It is the only time of day when I am too tired to think.  My mind shuts off, for the most part, and I do my best to stay awake until a non-ridiculously early time for bed.  Some nights I sleep well, some nights not so well.  I never know what the night will look like.  Gone are the days, er nights of sleeping through the night.  And yes, I have slept through the night since I became a mother.  Night-time is my time. Whether I'm out with the hubs at a movie, with a friend, doing homework, laying on the chaise with the laptop, or sleeping, its my time. 

When morning arrives, I open AJ's door and find this smiley, happy little boy.  Its like Christmas every morning.  And I sure do love my present. He is sooooo excited to see me! If he could talk I'd imagine he'd say things like "Mommmmmmmmmmy!" or I don't know, something else in a really excited voice.  It is by far, my favorite part of the day.   It rejuvenates my soul to start the day and get my little man up and at 'em.  I forget about yesterday's lack of patience.  I don't think about therapies, or splints, or spasticity, or communication modes, or calories.  I think about nothing and enjoy my son's amazing smile.

We recently took a weekend trip to a cottage up north.  While I intend to write a whole blog post about that trip, a special moment occurred the last morning at the lake.  We shared a room with AJ, which had a full bed and twin bed.  We heard him get up and did the whole "pretend we're sleeping gig".  That lasted all of one minute, when I had to pop up and peek at him.  He saw me and crawled off his bed.  I was sure he'd walk to the door.  Instead, he wandered to the side of our bed and climbed up and over his Daddy.  He cuddled with us.  For us few minutes.  And it was amazing.  This was the child who took years to warm up to just our bedroom, much less our bed.  He has never cuddled, in bed.  Ever.  It was a sweet, sweet moment for both of us.  Another gift we've been waiting a long time for.  

So, while I'm a little sad I wasn't able to get a picture of his morning routine of cuteness, part of me honestly doesn't feel like sharing it.  It is something that happens between my little man and I every morning.  So many mornings I woke up to an empty crib, filled with heartache.   And no, I don't think about those days anymore.

But I am so blessed to see his amazing morning smile.  Every day.