Its the Most Emotional Time...Of The Year

This time of year is always rough for Jer and I.  We don't even need to talk about it, we both know how the other is feeling....  This year is no exception.

The beginning of November marked 10 years since Jer's Dad passed.  I'm not sure how that much time has lapsed.  I do know that I am blessed to have a part of him in my life every day...as Jer has his Dad's personality to a "T".  He makes me laugh, even when I don't wanna laugh.  He reminds me not to take all things in life so seriously and that its ok to "piss on it" once in a while.  As I just re-read the last sentence, I realize that you'd have to know Jer or his Dad to really get that sentence and see the humor in it. 

A few days after Thanksgiving 2007 we learned AJ was deaf and my Dad was in the hospital.  Five days into December 2007 we learned AJ had cerebral palsy and we lost my Dad just minutes later. 

This time of year makes me think of all of those things...especially the people we've lost.

Gram had this insane obession with an appetizer I make...bacon-wrapped waterchestnuts.  While she always called it rumaki (which is really bacon-wrapped shrimp), I never corrected her.  She always looked forward to them and it was always the first thing on her appy plate.  Finding whole waterchestnuts this time of year is always a challenge, but I'd go to 4 different stores to get them because I knew she loved them.  I saw a bottle of chili sauce at the store today (an ingredient for this appy) and felt a deep sadness.

{I've shared the recipe for Bacon-Wrapped Waterchestnuts below}

Gram always insisted on yams, not sweet potatoes.  There is a difference, she'd say. She taught me how to make them her way...and after that, it became my job to make them.  She'd laugh at my commentary when I clean and prep a turkey ("Eww", "Gross", "Ahhh!"-when its slippery), "Blech", to mention a few choice words).  She'd watch me closely as I made the cranberry jello mold.  She never did notice I made it with sugar-free jello.  Horrors! :)

She'd insist on a grandiose table setting, which always meant my Mom and I would be running around like chicken's with our heads cut off trying to make it just perfect.  Gram would always tell us girls what a good job we did.  That made it all worth it.  Her famous apple pie was always made the morning of Thankgiving (right, Mom?!) and I swear I 've never tasted a pie like it.  White Zinfandel (she'd call it ZinFondle) was a must, as was the green bean almondine.  No green bean casserole!

When Jeremy came into my life, and it was clear he was staying put, she was determined to make sure he had enough to eat.  It took quite a few years before I broke down and told her he doesn't like turkey all that much.  Dark meat if anything.  She took note and made sure Jer got his dark meat. 

When AJ arrived, her Thankgiving meals were all about watching AJ.  What she ate became less and less, she focused her energy on watching AJ eat and entertain us all.  Nothing else mattered except AJ. 

She'd be disappointed that I'm not hosting Thanksgiving this year.  It was a very difficult decision for me to make.  Although I do hope that in that disappointment, she'd understand why.  While I have no doubt this year's Thankgiving will be wonderful, it will be different.  I miss her every day and find it incredibly odd to talk about her in the past tense. 

It is amazing to think of how well I knew her.  If she was here, she'd ask how AJ is doing on his seizure medication, she'd ask him "When are you going to talk?", and call him handsome a million times.  She'd be making sure I was prepping each meal her way and kindly enduring my constant chatter.  She'd have the conversation with my Mom about the silverware and asking if she could help in anyway, to which the both of us would kindly shout "No!"  She'd ask whether my book was finished.  She'd tell us where to go in Hawaii on our anniversary trip next year.  She'd tell stories of her island adventures...no doubt throwing in an embarrassing tale or two about me. 

I will be forever grateful for the time I was given with Gram.  While she won't be joining us for Thankgiving this year, I'm sure she'll be having her favorite appy and a glass of Zinfondle.  Yep, I'm sure of it.

Bacon-Wrapped Waterchestnuts

2-4oz cans WHOLE waterchestnuts

1 lb bacon-uncooked

1/4 cup mayonnaise

1/4 cup chili sauce

1/2 cup brown sugar

Cut bacon strips in half.  Wrap 1/2 slice of bacon around each waterchestnut and secure with a toothpick. Place in a shallow baking dish  Mix mayo, chili sauce, and brown sugar.  Pour over bacon wraps.

Bake @ 350 for 45 minutes. 

Time

Time is a funny thing isn't it?

It defines our existence in a way.  How many times do you look at the clock in a day?  We need to be up at this time, out of the door at this time, pick so-and-so up at this time, followed by dinnertime and well-deserved bedtimes in this crazy day and age.

We miss being kids when all we worried about our toys, ice cream after dinner, and recess. We want days to go faster, but then ask ourselves where the summer went. Our kids grown up too fast...so fast we want to turn back time. We buy skin creams, use injections, and have elective surgeries just to prolong the inevitable. 

We age people. It is part of life. 

I'm turning 29 in just over a week.  29.  When did that happen?  Through a certain social network, I've reconnected with many people that I went to high school with.  And all too often I find it difficult to believe that the majority of us are further educated, married, with kiddos of our own.  I never understood the whole "time goes faster as you get older" until recently.  And I know, some of you will read this and say {you're only 29!} , but it is hard for me to believe that time has gone by so fast.  I'm looking forward to my 30s.  And although I still have a year left in my 20s, I've heard such good things about your 30s, that I'm ready.  I'm ready for the next stage of life (so hokey, but true).  Besides, no one ever believes I'm in my 20s anyhow.  I usually get 33.  Something about how I carry myself.  Whatever.

I'm scared to move.  I know, I know.  Every now and then you read about us getting ready to move so that AJ may continue to attend the awesome program at the awesome school he currently attends...which is an hour away.  It's time.  And I'm still scared.  Our family needs have changed, and I'm still scared.  Scared of the unknown.  A positive change is in order.  One step at a time.  Little one-liners of positivity I repeat to myself on a daily basis. Time allows for "one step at a time" thinking, right? 

I have a hard time with AJ being 4.  Let me rephrase.  I don't have a hard time with him being 4.  4 is a great age.  I can't understand how he's 4 already, if that makes more sense.  It makes me realize just how incredible his journey has been and how much time and effort has passed since he came into our hearts and home.  I usually buy his birthday candles well in advance because if I waited till the last minute I'd never find the right number (trust me).  While at the store the other day I stumbled on the birthday aisle and thought, ok, next year he'll beeeeeeeeeeee...5.  5?  5.  When did that happen?  Its not a matter of him growing up to fast, its a matter of wondering how time keeps flying by. 

With time comes memories.  Lots of memories and lots of blessings in my life.  While sometimes I focus on the negative {I know, shocking}, believe it or not I remember those too....

Last week I saw three women shopping together.  A grandmother, mother, and daughter.  It took all I had to fight the tears as I was swipping my card to pay for my purchases.  When the grandmother commented on the blouse I purchased, I gently smiled and said "thank you" as I could feel my heart hurting.  That grandmother, mother, and daughter used to be my Mom, Gram, and I.  To a "T".  By the time the cashier was handing me my bags, I was smiling and chatting away with the fab 3.

I miss my Gram. I find myself listening to the satellite stations 40s on 4 and 50s on 5 in the car, thinking of her as I'm singing along or listening to the classics she taught me to appreciate.  I actually turn those stations on when I need calming.  Of course, there have been moments when songs like Moonlight Serenade or Moon River come on and I'm bawling on the freeway.  She was such an important part of my life.  I miss her like you should miss a grandmother...and then some.  She was a true blessing in my life and I'm thankful I have a rolodex of memories of her.

I want to ask her about things...and she's not here.  I want to hug her and not let go. I looked at my toothpicks today and thought I don't have to make my famous "waterchestnuts wrapped in bacon" appetizer for the holidays this year.  Gram won't be here to hoard them all.  While that made me incredibly sad, I will still make them {and they'll get eaten, trust me}, because its pretty cool that something as simple as toothpicks can remind me of my awesome Gram.  And, because I am certain she will be consuming a fair amount of heavenly white zinfandel and having her own party.  That's just Gram.

I think of her when I cook with her wooden spoons. When I pass the Breadsmith.

I think of her when I'm with my Mom.  Without Gram, I wouldn't have my awesome Mom.

I don't want to take her Christmas Tree down. Yep, its still up.  It is now mine, but I wish it was still hers.  It sits in the corner of her living room.  I don't know why, but this tree is the.most.beautiful.Christmas.Tree.I've ever.seen.   It just belongs in that corner.  I will get around to it soon I'm sure.  And this year our Christmas will begin with her beautiful tree and lots of memories to remember and to be made.  

I'm looking at time in a positive light these days.  Focusing on good memories of those who have been important in my life, and truly focusing on those that are important in my life.  I'm not only missing Gram, but Jeremy's Dad and my Dad.  Such awesome gentlemen.  And I say gentlemen because they truly were...to me.  I'm missing the sore guts they both gave me from making me laugh so damn hard...all.the.time.  Lightening the mood when it was truly needed.  I'm thankful for the short time I was given with them.  Their time had a profound impact on my life.  Taught me to lighten up.  Taught me about pickle grabbers and pinching butts.  Ya know, the important stuff in life. 

Time doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It is not the enemy. 

It is a gift. 

"Mooooon River"

My heart is aching, tears are flowing. And I suppose it was only natural that an empty house would allow me to finally feel what feels like a never-ending sadness.

My Grandma passed away peacefully on Ash Wednesday.  She went into the hospital with shortness of breath.  A day later, she suffered an unexpected heart attack that sent her lung disease into its end stage.  I am thankful beyond words that I, as well as my family, was there as she made her journey home. 

Gram was one fiesty lady.  Let me telllllll you.  I can only imagine the fun she's having with her best friend, enjoying heavenly Packer Games and no doubt "coaching" Vince Lombardi from behind the bench.  (Yes, she knew Vince Lombardi). She told the best stories, even when you heard them more than once.  She insisted on handmade pie crusts and whole cloves on the Christmas yams....not sweet potatoes!  She worked as a legal secretary for 30 years.  She was strong, determined, and firm in what she believed. She took trips all over the world, with pictures of her wearing a lei with a bare-chested mainlander and riding a camel (not on the same trip) to prove it.  She loved classic pictures (movies), cold beer on a hot summer day, and the Packers...just to name a few.  Although her health had rapidly declined over the last ten years, she kept fighting.  She was outspoken, opinionated, and did I mention fiesty?

Gram introduced me to the piano.  She was there for every recital, every school program, every choir concert, my graduation, and college graduation.  She was there when I got married, and when we stepped off the plane with our first child.  I am so very blessed to have had Gram in my life for 28 years. 

She taught me to appreciate classic pictures and classic music.  I have an odd obsession with the movie White Christmas because of her.  I knew she appreciated the time I spent caring for her over the last few years.  She understood, more than I did, when AJ's issues brought limitations to my availability. Gram was always awake on Christmas morning, drinking her coffee (and probably smoking a cigarette).  I'd run down the hallway and she'd greet me with as much excitement as my little heart had been building as I ran down that hall.  "Go wake your mother!" she'd say.  Gram often called me "Ch-Heidi" and my Mom "He-Cheri".  We knew what she meant. She'd listen to my gift of gab anytime and had a way of reassuring me that things would always be ok.  She'd make me giggle everytime she'd hum a classic tune, like "Moon River", sing all the words to "Tiny Bubbles", or run in place as she sat on the couch watching a Packer game screaming "Run, Run, Run!"

She loved little man-SO MUCH.  Thinking about the two of them together brings instant tears. The joy he brought her, is something I will forever be grateful to AJ and the big man upstairs for.  Her face LIT UP when she saw him.  When we came home with AJ, Gram was at the airport.  She couldn't get her hands on him fast enough.  Even though he was sick, she insisted on holding him.  And I am so glad she did.  Watching that video brings tears to my eyes every time.  The bond between a grandchild and their grandparent is so very special.  I should know, I'm writing this post. But the bond between this Guatemalan Miracle and his Great Grandmother was unbreakable. 

She enjoyed watching him eat (that was his thing at Great Grandma's house), and always had to make sure she had something good to munch on.  She would compliment his walking, his vocalizations, and his teeth. She would ask questions about his medical mumbo jumbo and had tears of pride in her eyes when she read my letter to the Senator when we fought for AJ's first cochlear implant.  I always thought those comments about his traits were to ignore his medical issues.  Now I've realized those things didn't matter to her, he was still her sweet "handsome dude". Perhaps I need to step back and look from Gram's point of view every now and then.

AJ knew who she was and knew how to melt her heart by walking straight into her arms. She considered getting an older refrigerator (to replace the new one she had just bought) simply because it did not have the same vibration AJ enjoyed from the the old one.  She looked forward to our twice a week visits and thoroughly enjoyed spoiling AJ in every way possible.  She's sing nursery rhymes to AJ, sometimes switching from English to German.  I remember standing in the hall sobbing as she sang "Deedle Deedle Dumpling, My Son John..." to AJ on the couch, just days after her cancer diagnosis.  She was given time to enjoy her great-grandchild.  What.a.blessing.

Just a week ago she was standing in the hall with AJ encouraging him to go potty and celebrating with him when he went.  It's hard to believe she's not here.  Its that physical presence thing.  Tomorrow will the first Sunday (minus a few) in 10 years that I have not been at my Grandma's.  I'm not sure how I'm feeling about that.  Things Change. Change is hard. Change is different.  Change is resisted and welcomed. 

Her favorite bible verse was Ecclesiastes 3.  There is a time for everything.  This was her time.  I am so.very.thankful for all of the time I was able to spend with her.  I am thankful for her nicknaming Jeremy "Dr. Schmidt", and loving my son with every fiber of her being.  I am thankful she loved me unconditionally and was always there for me. I am so incredibly sad, yet so incredibly thankful she is at peace. So I guess it is my time. Our time. To move forward.  With lots of Gram-tastic memories. 

"Love you, Gram."

I