Surreal

Hello Friends.

It's been a while, eh?

I've been contemplating a post.  I suspect this is what happens often in the minds of bloggers.

The norm goes something like this...There you are, walking through the aisles of Target when suddenly a blog post title pops into your head.  The post begins to write itself in your head as you continue shopping, etc...

Except there haven't been any moments like that in a while.  I have so much to say, but no way to put it in any type of order right now.  So know this friends...it will come.

But I do want to share something with you...

Yesterday AJ walked into the bathroom and got into the bin of things I have sitting on top of the counter.  I heard something knock into the wall in his bedroom and went flying in his room only to smell something.  It was sweet, sultry, earthy, spicy, and delightful all at the same time.  But I couldn't find the source.  What IS that, I thought?

AJ had wrapped my perfume bottle in his blanket.

This may seem like a ridiculously simple event, but it speaks volumes.  At some point in my mid-twenties I became very practical about girly things.  My perfume collection narrowed to two, and has since narrowed to one selection.  I'm sure that perfume normally does not last as long as this particular bottle has.  It is the scent I have worn the six years AJ has been home.

For AJ, the scent coming from that bottle was his Mommy.  AJ is very sensitive and acutely aware of two senses: touch and smell.  Just as we carried AJ's baby blanket back and forth from Guatemala so the dogs could get used to his smell, AJ learned what his Momma smells like.  He couldn't hear me and couldn't really see me, he could only feel and smell me.

He smiled and giggled when I found the bottle.  He picked it up and handed it to me.

Translation: Here Mommy.  I love you.  This is you, and I love it, so I love you.  Don't ever change it ok?  Ok.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself and make sure that all of this is real.  That this little boy is here, mine, and that the past six years have really passed.  Moments like this make it so new.  I have to pinch myself in realizing things will soon change.  My heart aches for Mimi to smell me too.  Does that sound weird?  I know it does. But it makes so much sense to me.  I'm trying to think of the perfect thing to leave with her when we visit.  A bear? A blanket?  A piece of clothing?  I don't know.  I suppose I'll have to decide spur of the moment with the orphanage staff as to what we can have "stay with her" and only her for that month between trips.  This season of waiting is incredibly hard and surreal all at the same time.  How is that possible?  I don't know, I can only testify that it IS.

I often wonder if AJ loves us.  And sure, to the outside world he does and he's happy so it appears that all is well in his world.  But recently, I've struggled deeply with his inability to communicate certain things. I want to know when my baby hurts, when he loves, when he is angry, and when he is scared.

So for him to explain how he feels to me, in his own way, well...that was a very real moment for me folks.