Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Loose Reference

I found myself overcoming yet another bout of writer's block today.  So after dropping AJ off at school, I'm home, for about another minute or so, and I've been writing. 

I'm sifting through the early chapters rearranging, adding, subtracting, editing, and using the printed copy of our old website as a guide.

And kicking myself.  Oh, Heidi.  I can't even follow it.  It's so sugar-coated.  Sugary sweet.  Like syrup all over the counter and you just can't get your rag, soaked with hot-hot water to clean it all up.  I didn't write about how anything felt. Was I numb?  Where we numb?  Probably.  Tricking ourselves into seeing past reality and our ever present fears.

I read things like "He can sleep through anything!"...followed by a cute smiley face, and groan.  Oh its so wonderful!  It's like envisioning myself hosting a party, not really wanting to host a party, putting on a fake smile and being an oh so wonderful hostess.


That doesn't mean our parenting journey has been all bad, because it hasn't been.  I just wish I would have been honest back then.  Both with the website, and with myself. 

So, I'm using the website printout as a loose guide.  Very loose.

There will be no syrup in this book. 

Just Jello.

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