Raising AJ has taught me a lot of things. I mean a lot. The largest curve ball by far has been the transformation of a self-proclaimed introvert becoming a wildly knowledgeable advocate and actually being that advocate. I was the little girl who was terrified to go and pay the bill at the restaurant after dinner. Terrified. It was those little experiences that built and egged on my social skills. Practice, practice, practice. When AJ arrived, I was thrust into this world of juggling therapies, therapists, insurance companies, products-you name it. If he needed it I was on the phone or in person duking it out. I've gone from that scared little girl to taking control and and advocating for my son; controlling what I can in the best way I know how. Quite a 180.
So when I spoke with our caseworker yesterday and she solidified, yet again, our lack of control within this adoption, I cried. And found myself realizing it was time to write this post.
If you've been following our adoption process, you've come to know that our timeline and theories as to when things would/should be happening has changed quite a bit. As we neared toward November and December, I started to think about whether or not she'd be home for her 3rd birthday in the spring. And then I remembered what her paperwork said. And panicked.
Mimi is in an orphanage that is considered a baby orphanage...from infant to age 3.
Do you see where this is going?
If we don't have her home by her birthday, she could be moved to another orphanage.
The conversation with our caseworker yesterday left me with a pit in my stomach. A confirmation of helplessness and grief for my baby girl.
"It is out of (the attorneys office), our, and your control as to whether or not she is moved".
Why is this a big deal, you ask?
I will try not to go all adoption 101 on you, but please understand that she has already experienced trauma. And this, this move, will be more trauma for her. And us picking her up, more trauma. But in regards to her special needs, this potential move could be well, two-fold tramatic for her. Where she is right now is familiar. And while it is our personal opinion, from the referral information we received that she is loved, well cared for, and in a facility that is maintained well and has adequate resources for the children, it still isn't a home or a family. So while it breaks my heart that she is there, it is also comforting to me that she is there...and remains there.
She has been at this place for a long time. She knows the space, what it smells like, what it sounds like. She has her place at the table and her bed. She knows the people who care for her and the children she calls her friends and family. This is her temporary home. And while she's not putting up pictures or painting, she certainly isn't still living out of boxes and eating Ramen. Do you see what I mean?
We have no control over this. My gut says they will keep her there, because she already has a family in process. But there is no guarantee. Which I suppose shouldn't surprise me because you really aren't in control when you adopt. Period. We won't have an answer until we travel. My prayer is that our case is logged-in soon and we can visit and pick-up before her birthday. That, my friends, is honestly a long shot. My second prayer is to be logged-in soon, visit, and make a personal plea to keep her where she is until we pick her up. Usually (said lightly and sarcastically) there is about a month between the visit and pick up trips. I sure hope so.
Earlier this week I
went a little crazy was on Pinterest and decided to create a board for her 3rd Birthday. After searching "girls birthday party" I came upon a Breakfast at Tiffany's party. Oh my. And thus, the entire board is filled with this theme. Trust me when I say this fits her to a "T". It was a moment of pure bliss planning for her. Black, white, Tiffany blue. Oh my. The tiaras, little black dresses, the pearls. All things girly and sweet. How I long to celebrate her and wish her all the good things in life. You see it is not about the dress, or the pearls, or the gifts. It is about celebrating our precious daughter who deserves to be celebrated.
Will you join us in praying for this birthday situation? Please pray for her little being and for us to find comfort in peace with whatever may happen in light of her birthday and her adoption process.
Oh, and I bought this. Just because.