Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Time is a funny thing isn't it?

It defines our existence in a way.  How many times do you look at the clock in a day?  We need to be up at this time, out of the door at this time, pick so-and-so up at this time, followed by dinnertime and well-deserved bedtimes in this crazy day and age.

We miss being kids when all we worried about our toys, ice cream after dinner, and recess. We want days to go faster, but then ask ourselves where the summer went. Our kids grown up too fast...so fast we want to turn back time. We buy skin creams, use injections, and have elective surgeries just to prolong the inevitable. 

We age people. It is part of life. 

I'm turning 29 in just over a week.  29.  When did that happen?  Through a certain social network, I've reconnected with many people that I went to high school with.  And all too often I find it difficult to believe that the majority of us are further educated, married, with kiddos of our own.  I never understood the whole "time goes faster as you get older" until recently.  And I know, some of you will read this and say {you're only 29!} , but it is hard for me to believe that time has gone by so fast.  I'm looking forward to my 30s.  And although I still have a year left in my 20s, I've heard such good things about your 30s, that I'm ready.  I'm ready for the next stage of life (so hokey, but true).  Besides, no one ever believes I'm in my 20s anyhow.  I usually get 33.  Something about how I carry myself.  Whatever.

I'm scared to move.  I know, I know.  Every now and then you read about us getting ready to move so that AJ may continue to attend the awesome program at the awesome school he currently attends...which is an hour away.  It's time.  And I'm still scared.  Our family needs have changed, and I'm still scared.  Scared of the unknown.  A positive change is in order.  One step at a time.  Little one-liners of positivity I repeat to myself on a daily basis. Time allows for "one step at a time" thinking, right? 

I have a hard time with AJ being 4.  Let me rephrase.  I don't have a hard time with him being 4.  4 is a great age.  I can't understand how he's 4 already, if that makes more sense.  It makes me realize just how incredible his journey has been and how much time and effort has passed since he came into our hearts and home.  I usually buy his birthday candles well in advance because if I waited till the last minute I'd never find the right number (trust me).  While at the store the other day I stumbled on the birthday aisle and thought, ok, next year he'll beeeeeeeeeeee...5.  5?  5.  When did that happen?  Its not a matter of him growing up to fast, its a matter of wondering how time keeps flying by. 

With time comes memories.  Lots of memories and lots of blessings in my life.  While sometimes I focus on the negative {I know, shocking}, believe it or not I remember those too....

Last week I saw three women shopping together.  A grandmother, mother, and daughter.  It took all I had to fight the tears as I was swipping my card to pay for my purchases.  When the grandmother commented on the blouse I purchased, I gently smiled and said "thank you" as I could feel my heart hurting.  That grandmother, mother, and daughter used to be my Mom, Gram, and I.  To a "T".  By the time the cashier was handing me my bags, I was smiling and chatting away with the fab 3.

I miss my Gram. I find myself listening to the satellite stations 40s on 4 and 50s on 5 in the car, thinking of her as I'm singing along or listening to the classics she taught me to appreciate.  I actually turn those stations on when I need calming.  Of course, there have been moments when songs like Moonlight Serenade or Moon River come on and I'm bawling on the freeway.  She was such an important part of my life.  I miss her like you should miss a grandmother...and then some.  She was a true blessing in my life and I'm thankful I have a rolodex of memories of her.

I want to ask her about things...and she's not here.  I want to hug her and not let go. I looked at my toothpicks today and thought I don't have to make my famous "waterchestnuts wrapped in bacon" appetizer for the holidays this year.  Gram won't be here to hoard them all.  While that made me incredibly sad, I will still make them {and they'll get eaten, trust me}, because its pretty cool that something as simple as toothpicks can remind me of my awesome Gram.  And, because I am certain she will be consuming a fair amount of heavenly white zinfandel and having her own party.  That's just Gram.

I think of her when I cook with her wooden spoons. When I pass the Breadsmith.

I think of her when I'm with my Mom.  Without Gram, I wouldn't have my awesome Mom.

I don't want to take her Christmas Tree down. Yep, its still up.  It is now mine, but I wish it was still hers.  It sits in the corner of her living room.  I don't know why, but this tree is the.most.beautiful.Christmas.Tree.I've ever.seen.   It just belongs in that corner.  I will get around to it soon I'm sure.  And this year our Christmas will begin with her beautiful tree and lots of memories to remember and to be made.  

I'm looking at time in a positive light these days.  Focusing on good memories of those who have been important in my life, and truly focusing on those that are important in my life.  I'm not only missing Gram, but Jeremy's Dad and my Dad.  Such awesome gentlemen.  And I say gentlemen because they truly were...to me.  I'm missing the sore guts they both gave me from making me laugh so damn hard...all.the.time.  Lightening the mood when it was truly needed.  I'm thankful for the short time I was given with them.  Their time had a profound impact on my life.  Taught me to lighten up.  Taught me about pickle grabbers and pinching butts.  Ya know, the important stuff in life. 

Time doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It is not the enemy. 

It is a gift. 

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