Saturday, June 11, 2011


While starting our final sort through/packing, I stumbled upon this book from my first year in college.

I have no idea how my brain comprehended the contents.  Seriously.  I saved the book because it was used my in favorite college course, Foundations of Education, and reminds me of my favorite professor.  And, all my notes on the inside and back covers make me feel smart.

The first page I turned to boasted this note I had written in the margin:

"No one should display bad character in anything that they do"

Am I displaying poor or bad character as a special needs mom?  Am I setting a bad example?

The title SuperMom was given without my consent.  I do not remember signing a release allowing that title to be used in reference to me, myself, and I.  I was not given a kick-ass costume when AJ was placed in my arms. No sequins, leather, or push-up anything.  I don't need push-up anything, by the way. No costume, no super powers.  My costume usually consists of undone hair, whatever clothes are clean (and most likely have some issue or another), flip flops, or tennis shoes.

And yet I feel like I have a responsibility to fill that role, without even thinking about it.  I've devoted this blog to the ultimate truth about life with a multiple special needs child.  Most of my posts have been borderline depressing.  C'mon.  You were thinking the same thing.  I can't change the truth peeps.

So the question remains-am I displaying bad character?  
Should I be putting on the smiley face for one and all?

A friend called me stoic the other day.  I was shocked.  Not an adjective I would matched with myself.   I cry.  I BAWL.  I lose it.  I cry so hard I can't breathe.  I get emotional.  It happens when I least expect it.  I equate it to being punched in the face a hundred times.  Eventually, you get knocked out and fall to the ground.  Sometimes, I'm so numb I can't breathe, much less cry.  The crying comes a few minutes or hours later.  People are programmed to respond to positivity.  I've learned to spin some sort of positivity to spare the person the akwardness and to spare me wanting to rip them to shreds for not understanding.  It's almost as if "AJ's doing so great!" is supposed to erase all the difficulties we are in the midst of right now.  It doesn't. As much as I truly wish it did, it doesn't.

So. Bad character?

Nah.  Maybe I'm just a bad-ass Mama-Jama who speaks the truth.  The whole truth.

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