What Is It?

Jer has been strongly encouraging
 me to go and take a nap. 
So I tried.... Notice I'm not in bed.
 I'm on the computer.  Blogging . 
Because my brain will.just.not.shut.off. 

Meanwhile AJ is running up and down the hall
carrying one of his shoes that lights up,
while giggling hysterically and babbling.

I just cannot stop thinking about AJ.  What is it that is holidng him back from continuing to progress? 

He is a smart cookie.  And I'm not just saying that because I'm his Mom.  Ok, maybe I am to some degree.  But, that doesn't change the fact that sometimes he's too smart for his own good. 

I have become a firm believer in the more-than-once policy.  If you've never met my son, you don't know him.  If you've met him once, you STILL don't know him.  It is quite the common occurance that AJ will not have a "good" or "typical" day if he's being observed, etc.  Seeing him once does not give you the privilege to set his bar as you so choose.  That is not to say that people don't learn things about AJ in these instances, but there is never enough time for Education 101: AJ's Life Story. 

I've found myself questioning whether we've adovacted for him enough.  Have we advocated for the right things?  Am I being a push-over at all?  I know, I know, I could never be a total push-over.  But, I still wonder if maybe I'm following the leader rather than leading the pack.  Why is communication the one thing he still struggles with?  Are we putting too much focus on PT/OT?  Have Jeremy and I subconsciously put limitations on him without even knowing it?  AJ has so much going on, is communication the one thing we slack on?  She said, with guilt the size of montezuma. 

I should read to him WAY MORE.  I don't describe things enough.  I should research all things on my "to research" list.  I should say more in the car.  I should pull over 50 times to put his coil back on. I should figure out a way to put more hours in a day.  I should learn how to do this AND that. I should really finish his activity board.  I should take him to the library. I should, I should, I should!

 He has the potential.  He totally does.  Hearing it is likely he will develop enough speech to communicate with us and those who know him to get his needs met...was great.  Hearing that putting words together (lets say 6 for example) may be unlikely for him was hard for me to stomach.  In fact I left uneasy about it, and honestly, I don't think I believe it.  I have this gut feeling (no pun intended) that he WILL.  Now ask me again in 5 minutes and I'll be bawling in the corner scared he'll never udder a word.  I've never  been that mom who doesn't to hear things.  Oh I heard it.  I just disagree. 

So what can I do about it?  What is it thats holding him back?  Maybe its his Mom who feels like a total slacker today.  The activities we do are always with purpose, but are they enough?  What else can I do to help him?  Are we confusing him more than helping him?  What am I doing wrong?

I don't know.  But rest assured I sure as heck am thinking about it.