I decided to finally post this...because as with most things in our life that have to do with AJ-ignoring it won't make it go away.
Ellen, one of my favorite bloggers (and whom I frequently link to) wrote this post a few months ago. She kindly gave me permission to borrow her post.
The "f" word in my life is AJ's future; it's not something I talk about a lot. On purpose. Looking that far ahead unsettles me. The more I keep trying to envision what his future might be like, the more anxious and depressed I get. For the most part, I've set my sights on the present of AJ and what he is doing, rather than what he might do someday. It's been a good thing for both of us. A healthy thing.
I don't have my head buried in the sand. We have already determined guardians for AJ and continue to work on other logistics of his future. But the thought of AJ in a home for the disabled? It makes me cry. I am tearing up as I type this, and I've had to stop a couple of times. My mind goes to bad places when I think of it.
AJ in need of a special home?
AJ without me and Jeremy?
How could we do that to him?
Who would protect him and take care of him like we do?
No, he could never go to a home.
But what if it were the right thing for him? He'll need to be independent.
Would he be able to change his clothes himself or would there be someone to help him?
GULP. How will he communicate his wants and needs?
What kind of friends would he have?
What do those homes look like on the inside, anyway?
What kind of job would he get?
How could I not kiss him every day?
How often would we visit?
And so on and so on. My mind spirals off into all sorts of irrational thoughts. And I know they are mostly irrational, given the fact that AJ is four and a half years old and still has lots of growing to do and progress to achieve.
There is a home for adults with disabilities near a store I frequent while AJ is in school. A group of residents would come in sometimes; a mix of adults with mental disabilities. I'd spy on them the entire time as I'd walk the aisles, watching them talk, laugh and enjoy themselves, while shopping with the help of their aide. I felt glad for them.
A few days after I read Ellen's post, I was at the store. And so was the group of residents. As they were checking out, I literally hid in the back of the store. Bawling. Thinking about Ellen's post...about AJ's future. Picturing AJ as one of them.
The truth is, I'm not yet at the special-parent developmental stage where I can think of this. It's still too painful. And yet, what's helped me help AJ is researching things that could benefit him. While we celebrate each and every one of AJ's small successes and moments, the fear of the future is never far away. My child cannot communicate-effectively-to anyone-what he needs or wants. THAT, is scary as hell. While we jokingly refer to one of AJ's PT goals as sitting on a bar stool with his friends in college, I wonder whether or not he'll be in college.
The constant back and forth is what drives this fear of the future. I have digested and accepted that my son is Deaf and has Cerebral Palsy. It has been years since that was introduced to my brain. But AJ's recipe for life? Its FULL of ingredients. That seemed to be optional (even non-existent) in the beginning. He has this, oh now this, and well, this. Adjust. Readjust. Adjust again. Repeat. All of it makes me want to get off the merry-go-round and puke every now and again. It never seems to stop. All of these ingredients make constant changes to his future.
And for someone to say, "Oh, he'll be fine." You don't know that. No one knows that. Fine is not, and never will be a word in my vocabulary. Because AJ deserves more than FINE. I want him to have an extraordinary future, not just a "fine" one.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Dollar Dino's
One of AJ's recent preschool units was on Dinosaurs. I stopped in the local dollar store to see if I could find a bag of small dinosaurs to sort.
Foam Circles:
We used the green, yellow,and purple circles for a balance activity.
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Well, I hit the dino jackpot!
While I didn't take pictures of all of our activities in process, I did take some.
Laundry bag:I set out the bag of wooden dinosaur cutouts (see 1st photo) as a reference for the shape of a dinosaur. I drew a dinosaur with a Sharpie-freehand.
Carefully, I cut on the inside my marker lines-cutting through both
sides of the bag-which made 2 dinosaurs.
We dipped the poly scrubbers (1st photo) into fabric paint and
made spots on our dinosaurs.
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We used the green, yellow,and purple circles for a balance activity.
I placed two of each color on top of each other to give them a little dimension. Place them on the floor and stomp from each circle. Note: Save the circles and for future use with a homemade game of Twister, dice, or another activity, such as making a circle frame craft with your child's picture for his/her grandparents . I thought this package was great with the variety of colors...for $1!
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Stamp:
The stamp looked like a dinosaur footprint to me!
(Look at him use his left hand!)
This came home in AJ's backpack one day-they made soap dinosaur eggs! It took a good few days to use up all the soap, but at the end AJ had a pterodactyl!
Not Pictured:
*We decorated our wooden dinosaur cutouts-we had plenty leftover for future use. Idea: Tie their tails together to make dino-garland.
*We sorted small dinosaurs by the number of feet they had.*I printed out dinosaur coloring pages and cut the sponges into small circles. We dipped the sponge circles into paint and made spots on our dinosaurs.
*We played with 3 different dinosaurs (play size-also found at the dollar store) and felt their different textures, weights, etc.
Food Ideas:
Macaroni & Cheese with Broccoli Trees-What herbivores eat!
Speckled Chocolate Easter Egg Candy-Dinosaur Eggs
Dinosaur Fruit Snacks
Dinosaur-Shaped Chicken Nuggets
Chocolate/Vanilla Pudding Swirl-Mud/Swamp
Click here for more cool food ideas...I think the "swamp mud" sounds awesome!
Tuesday and Thursday's 10
1. We seem to have a lot of people stalking our house. Like, slowing down and passing very slowly. Now, if only they would call and schedule a showing. We've been looking at houses online again and have a lot of new listings. Exciting! Our house looks so bare...I'm starting to miss pictures of my little man and our families on the walls.
2. Last week was a total tease, we had 50 degree weather for several days. This week, we were hit with more snow. Our area wasn't hit as hard as those around us, but its still snow! It is supposed to be an early spring. How about an early early spring?
3. AJ and I both have wicked colds. His has turned from a head cold to a chest cold. Poor thing. We're full steam ahead with humidifiers, even a pot of water on the stove (our house is super dry) and Vicks vapor rub. I kept him home yesterday, in hopes of kicking this thing to the curb, only to find out he does not have school for the rest of the week. 5 days off, with a sick kiddo who doesn't like to cuddle, doesn't watch movies or cartoons, and gets bored very easily. Fun. Surprisingly, he's in a very good mood, he just sounds like he's hacking up a lung when he coughs.
4. We've gone a full week already without a bedrail on AJ's bed. Another big boy moment. He's stayed in bed every single night. He's a CP kiddo, in a regular twin bed (in size and height), with no bed rail. Amazing. That is a smile behind the blanket....
5. For a while I was making our laundry detergent (FelsNaptha, Borax, Washing Soda). It was super cheap to make , and I'm a stickler about how much I'll pay for laundry soap. I started grating the bar soap in my food processor upstairs, but mixing everything together downstairs because the dust from the powders lingered and really bothered me. I couldn't breathe. After doing some research, I found out the dust from Borax is toxic. Lovely. No wonder I couldn't breathe. I follow Bonnie's blog and kept reading about Shaklee products. Actually, I think I was really stalking her blog! After asking her a million questions about the products, doing my own research, and cleaning my oven with oven cleaner (which I will NEVER do again), I'm now a Shaklee customer. No more mixing my own stuff and not being able to breathe. I absolutely love their stuff. I'll be writing more in another post.
6. Jeremy and I have been going on regular date nights. It's been heavenly. We've been trying to think outside the box instead of going to the same restaurants or just going to a movie. Last night we ventured to one of those restaurants where its changed hands and names a billion times in the last few years...the food was great and the atmosphere was perfect.
7. Is there any produce that is grown in the USA?!! I overheard a conversation the other day that tomatoes in the stores are picked green, then sprayed with CO2 to artifically ripen them. EWW. I don't know if thats totally true, but it was enough to totally gross me out and make me hate buying produce from the store even more. Spring is coming...with summer following and that means farmer's markets. And maybe the CSA I mentioned in my last post. I don't know about you, but I think grapes from Chile taste gross.
8. AJ signed "bath" so beautifully to me on Wednesday night that I cried. There seems to be a correlation between motoring him through the motions while teaching him signs that really connects things for him.
9. I'm staring at a package of Pampers sitting here on the counter (no we aren't announcing anything, they are part of a gift) and its making me realize two things: AJ truly is no longer a baby and reminding me of how much I love that stage in life and wish another baby was in our future.
10. This past week was the one year anniversary of my Gram's death. I really have no idea how its been a year already. We honored her memory by having dinner with my family and telling stories. Some our own, and some of Gram's. I found myself at the best bakery in town yesterday. I'm not sure why, I just ended up there. She'd always insist on stopping there after her dental appointments. Which totally makes sense, right?! It was just across the street you know. She'd be super excited to know they put a new location 10 minutes from her house. Their apple turnovers are "The Best", she'd say. Since it was evening, they were out of almost everything already. Including Gram's beloved apple turnovers. But, thats ok. I got ham and rolls instead and walked out with fond memories of my Gram.
2. Last week was a total tease, we had 50 degree weather for several days. This week, we were hit with more snow. Our area wasn't hit as hard as those around us, but its still snow! It is supposed to be an early spring. How about an early early spring?
3. AJ and I both have wicked colds. His has turned from a head cold to a chest cold. Poor thing. We're full steam ahead with humidifiers, even a pot of water on the stove (our house is super dry) and Vicks vapor rub. I kept him home yesterday, in hopes of kicking this thing to the curb, only to find out he does not have school for the rest of the week. 5 days off, with a sick kiddo who doesn't like to cuddle, doesn't watch movies or cartoons, and gets bored very easily. Fun. Surprisingly, he's in a very good mood, he just sounds like he's hacking up a lung when he coughs.
4. We've gone a full week already without a bedrail on AJ's bed. Another big boy moment. He's stayed in bed every single night. He's a CP kiddo, in a regular twin bed (in size and height), with no bed rail. Amazing. That is a smile behind the blanket....
5. For a while I was making our laundry detergent (FelsNaptha, Borax, Washing Soda). It was super cheap to make , and I'm a stickler about how much I'll pay for laundry soap. I started grating the bar soap in my food processor upstairs, but mixing everything together downstairs because the dust from the powders lingered and really bothered me. I couldn't breathe. After doing some research, I found out the dust from Borax is toxic. Lovely. No wonder I couldn't breathe. I follow Bonnie's blog and kept reading about Shaklee products. Actually, I think I was really stalking her blog! After asking her a million questions about the products, doing my own research, and cleaning my oven with oven cleaner (which I will NEVER do again), I'm now a Shaklee customer. No more mixing my own stuff and not being able to breathe. I absolutely love their stuff. I'll be writing more in another post.
6. Jeremy and I have been going on regular date nights. It's been heavenly. We've been trying to think outside the box instead of going to the same restaurants or just going to a movie. Last night we ventured to one of those restaurants where its changed hands and names a billion times in the last few years...the food was great and the atmosphere was perfect.
7. Is there any produce that is grown in the USA?!! I overheard a conversation the other day that tomatoes in the stores are picked green, then sprayed with CO2 to artifically ripen them. EWW. I don't know if thats totally true, but it was enough to totally gross me out and make me hate buying produce from the store even more. Spring is coming...with summer following and that means farmer's markets. And maybe the CSA I mentioned in my last post. I don't know about you, but I think grapes from Chile taste gross.
8. AJ signed "bath" so beautifully to me on Wednesday night that I cried. There seems to be a correlation between motoring him through the motions while teaching him signs that really connects things for him.
9. I'm staring at a package of Pampers sitting here on the counter (no we aren't announcing anything, they are part of a gift) and its making me realize two things: AJ truly is no longer a baby and reminding me of how much I love that stage in life and wish another baby was in our future.
10. This past week was the one year anniversary of my Gram's death. I really have no idea how its been a year already. We honored her memory by having dinner with my family and telling stories. Some our own, and some of Gram's. I found myself at the best bakery in town yesterday. I'm not sure why, I just ended up there. She'd always insist on stopping there after her dental appointments. Which totally makes sense, right?! It was just across the street you know. She'd be super excited to know they put a new location 10 minutes from her house. Their apple turnovers are "The Best", she'd say. Since it was evening, they were out of almost everything already. Including Gram's beloved apple turnovers. But, thats ok. I got ham and rolls instead and walked out with fond memories of my Gram.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tuesday's 10
Since I so look forward to checking two of my favorite blogs on Tuesdays to see their top 10 thoughts, I'm jumping on the Tuesday bandwagon too....
1. Despite my brave attempts to stave off replacing our garage door opener, I think it finally bit the bullet. It usually gets cranky during super cold weather and forces us open and close manually (horrors), so I wasn't surprised when it wasn't moving. It was the grizzly grinding sound coming from the motor that was just awesome. Super-Duper.
2. Today was AJ's 2nd rockin' day at school. Three novel activities were tried...with no tears. I LOVE good days. They fill my heart with such joy.
3. I've been researching local farms that participate in CSA. With our house on the market, we won't be planting a garden this year and I'm anxious to keep a nice stock of healthy veggies and meats in the house. I'm also looking to add more fish into our menus. We all love fish, we just don't seem to eat a lot of it. Anyone have yummy recipes? Share!
4. We returned from our trip to Hawaii just a few days ago (blog post coming soon). My carry-on still smells like coffee and coconuts. It's awesome.
5. I need to figure out a way to spread out AJ's appointments. Period. We work with over 25 people on his team and somehow, appointments seem to get stacked together all in a week.
6. There seems to be a Steve Carrell marathon on lately. Which usually means if I watch said marathon I'm bound to see Paul Rudd too. Love them both. They make me laugh hysterically...
7. Was Valentine's Day really yesterday? Despite being exhausted from our trip home, I stayed up late on Sunday night, frosting graham crackers, adding candy hearts for stamps, and handwriting each of AJ's classmates names in the TO and his name in the FROM areas on the edible "love letters" that were his valentines this year. I made three batches of rice krispie treats and created "Hershey Kisses" by using kitchen funnels and then wrapping them in foil...complete with a little piece with a msg from AJ sticking out.
Am I insane? Probably. But since AJ's protest during our vaca hindered him and Grandma from doing these projects...I didn't want that to ruin anyone else's V-day. And we all know how I/we feel about his school team. Jeremy and I spent the evening working on a project for his current class and watching our loaded DVR. I am NOT complaining...we certainly could not have topped our week+ in paradise.
8. Speaking of classes, Jer only has four weeks left of his class and then he is officially done with his BA. I'm trying to plan a special celebration for him (shhhh don't tell him) but nothing seems to live up to his amazing accomplishment.
9. AJ has this obsession with ICEE cups. I found them one day, on a whim, at the Dollar Store. Odd. But, its a bold flavor, its cold, and packed solid in cups. Easy to eat and perfect for his decreased oral awareness. I know, horrible nutrition choice. Lets just get over that. I now have little hands that stand at the fridge and slam the refrigerator door after you've attempted to open it, and reach upward toward the freezer. Sigh. Its becoming quite a problem and I fear an ICEE strike, via Mommy, is coming.
10. I felt completely relaxed when we left Hawaii. Slightly stressed while traveling home. And broken-hearted when I saw my sweet little boy's face when we pulled in the driveway. His uber tear-stained face, complete with snot drippings and eyes shut, screaming for his Mommy and Daddy. I'm super thankful we had the opportunity to go on this vacation, I'm super glad we went, we had an amazing time, but he wasn't ok. He wasn't fine. And it broke this Mommy's big heart to see the culmination of his week of meltdown. Yesterday's jet lag brought crabby to this household and today brought uber stress. Relaxation, where did you go?
1. Despite my brave attempts to stave off replacing our garage door opener, I think it finally bit the bullet. It usually gets cranky during super cold weather and forces us open and close manually (horrors), so I wasn't surprised when it wasn't moving. It was the grizzly grinding sound coming from the motor that was just awesome. Super-Duper.
2. Today was AJ's 2nd rockin' day at school. Three novel activities were tried...with no tears. I LOVE good days. They fill my heart with such joy.
3. I've been researching local farms that participate in CSA. With our house on the market, we won't be planting a garden this year and I'm anxious to keep a nice stock of healthy veggies and meats in the house. I'm also looking to add more fish into our menus. We all love fish, we just don't seem to eat a lot of it. Anyone have yummy recipes? Share!
4. We returned from our trip to Hawaii just a few days ago (blog post coming soon). My carry-on still smells like coffee and coconuts. It's awesome.
5. I need to figure out a way to spread out AJ's appointments. Period. We work with over 25 people on his team and somehow, appointments seem to get stacked together all in a week.
6. There seems to be a Steve Carrell marathon on lately. Which usually means if I watch said marathon I'm bound to see Paul Rudd too. Love them both. They make me laugh hysterically...
7. Was Valentine's Day really yesterday? Despite being exhausted from our trip home, I stayed up late on Sunday night, frosting graham crackers, adding candy hearts for stamps, and handwriting each of AJ's classmates names in the TO and his name in the FROM areas on the edible "love letters" that were his valentines this year. I made three batches of rice krispie treats and created "Hershey Kisses" by using kitchen funnels and then wrapping them in foil...complete with a little piece with a msg from AJ sticking out.
Am I insane? Probably. But since AJ's protest during our vaca hindered him and Grandma from doing these projects...I didn't want that to ruin anyone else's V-day. And we all know how I/we feel about his school team. Jeremy and I spent the evening working on a project for his current class and watching our loaded DVR. I am NOT complaining...we certainly could not have topped our week+ in paradise.
8. Speaking of classes, Jer only has four weeks left of his class and then he is officially done with his BA. I'm trying to plan a special celebration for him (shhhh don't tell him) but nothing seems to live up to his amazing accomplishment.
9. AJ has this obsession with ICEE cups. I found them one day, on a whim, at the Dollar Store. Odd. But, its a bold flavor, its cold, and packed solid in cups. Easy to eat and perfect for his decreased oral awareness. I know, horrible nutrition choice. Lets just get over that. I now have little hands that stand at the fridge and slam the refrigerator door after you've attempted to open it, and reach upward toward the freezer. Sigh. Its becoming quite a problem and I fear an ICEE strike, via Mommy, is coming.
10. I felt completely relaxed when we left Hawaii. Slightly stressed while traveling home. And broken-hearted when I saw my sweet little boy's face when we pulled in the driveway. His uber tear-stained face, complete with snot drippings and eyes shut, screaming for his Mommy and Daddy. I'm super thankful we had the opportunity to go on this vacation, I'm super glad we went, we had an amazing time, but he wasn't ok. He wasn't fine. And it broke this Mommy's big heart to see the culmination of his week of meltdown. Yesterday's jet lag brought crabby to this household and today brought uber stress. Relaxation, where did you go?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Do You See What I See?
It is 5:30 on Saturday evening. I'm sitting at our kitchen table, staring out our massive picture window in our dining room. I've been sitting here since 5 o'clock, when I suddenly realized it was still light outside. I see pretty white snow, thick solid icicles hanging from the gutters, willow trees, a massive field, and cars passing to and from on the 4-lane highway that runs past our house, each with white and red twinkling lights.
If you were sitting here with me, would you see the same things?
I would venture to say no.
Not all of us see eye to eye.
AJ's life is filled with countless professionals. Physicians, Therapists, Teachers, and More. Almost sounds like a store title. Pick one from this aisle of expertise. Complete with tags declaring a guarantee that aisle 2's ideas won't line up with aisle 5's. And lets not even start on the the other departments.
And here I stand, with a shopping cart, ready to fill it with anything and everything to help my little man succeed in life. How do I choose between whats just icky, processed generic fit-into-a-mold information and natural, certified organic information?
I suppose it would be safe to assume that my shopping cart would be where everything melds together and ends up looking as beautiful as Sunday Dinner. The truth is that sometimes I'd rather just be a 5-year-old with one foot on the base and my hands steering the cart...as I zoom through the store of professionals not stopping to look back.
All these different hands, different opinions, different backgrounds of expertise. All with the best of intentions. A big kettle of brew and I'm standing with a giant spoon.....
I've struggled over the past few weeks to inform, condense, and make sense of our recent happenings. Which means a lack of blog posts. After telling my husband I was having trouble with posting on the blog, his answer was this:
Quite a post, hey?
Our house has been on the market for a month already. Of course there is drama surrounding that...of course.
Last week I received a call regarding AJ's transportation to school that completely threw me for a loop...and made us do some serious thinking. AJ's made it through two winter ear infections, and is still walking despite his continuing growth spurt. A recent follow-up with his CP doctor allowed me to look at things from the "CP side" of AJ's life. It was a refreshing and eye-opening visit. It was another appointment where I left in tears. GOOD tears, knowing he is in the best of hands and that she's truly in his corner.
I've been busy prepping for our vacation, which is finally upon us. Printing detailed instructions, packing, and doing last minute errands. We are so excited to spend time, just the two of us. While we are gone, AJ will be partyin' it up with Grandma Cindy.
AJ's doing ok at school. We've had some bumps in the road recently. His therapy sessions are either fantabulously great or horrible. There has been no middle ground to speak of. We're beginning to think about his next IEP, which will be in the Spring. AJ's tall enough to get off the toilet by himself-which is really freaky when you're not expecting him to come around the corner. He can sign "open" and is emerging with "push". He's holding his arms up and vocalizing for "up". He's doing this waving thing...although I'm not sure what it is for certain. I'd like to think its waving.
He's displaying a not so great behavior of taking his implant off...and pulling his glasses off. Which means he's maturing, but the behavior is not so welcome. We're looking at adding a therapy to his schedule and doing a disco-shuffle with all of his therapies. I'm not sure how this is going to work out yet.
Like I said, big shopping cart and giant spoon.
But you know what?
We're going to Hawaii in 4 days...
If you were sitting here with me, would you see the same things?
I would venture to say no.
Not all of us see eye to eye.
AJ's life is filled with countless professionals. Physicians, Therapists, Teachers, and More. Almost sounds like a store title. Pick one from this aisle of expertise. Complete with tags declaring a guarantee that aisle 2's ideas won't line up with aisle 5's. And lets not even start on the the other departments.
And here I stand, with a shopping cart, ready to fill it with anything and everything to help my little man succeed in life. How do I choose between whats just icky, processed generic fit-into-a-mold information and natural, certified organic information?
I suppose it would be safe to assume that my shopping cart would be where everything melds together and ends up looking as beautiful as Sunday Dinner. The truth is that sometimes I'd rather just be a 5-year-old with one foot on the base and my hands steering the cart...as I zoom through the store of professionals not stopping to look back.
All these different hands, different opinions, different backgrounds of expertise. All with the best of intentions. A big kettle of brew and I'm standing with a giant spoon.....
I've struggled over the past few weeks to inform, condense, and make sense of our recent happenings. Which means a lack of blog posts. After telling my husband I was having trouble with posting on the blog, his answer was this:
"Life is grand. We're going to Hawaii in 4 days. End of story."
Quite a post, hey?
Our house has been on the market for a month already. Of course there is drama surrounding that...of course.
Last week I received a call regarding AJ's transportation to school that completely threw me for a loop...and made us do some serious thinking. AJ's made it through two winter ear infections, and is still walking despite his continuing growth spurt. A recent follow-up with his CP doctor allowed me to look at things from the "CP side" of AJ's life. It was a refreshing and eye-opening visit. It was another appointment where I left in tears. GOOD tears, knowing he is in the best of hands and that she's truly in his corner.
I've been busy prepping for our vacation, which is finally upon us. Printing detailed instructions, packing, and doing last minute errands. We are so excited to spend time, just the two of us. While we are gone, AJ will be partyin' it up with Grandma Cindy.
AJ's doing ok at school. We've had some bumps in the road recently. His therapy sessions are either fantabulously great or horrible. There has been no middle ground to speak of. We're beginning to think about his next IEP, which will be in the Spring. AJ's tall enough to get off the toilet by himself-which is really freaky when you're not expecting him to come around the corner. He can sign "open" and is emerging with "push". He's holding his arms up and vocalizing for "up". He's doing this waving thing...although I'm not sure what it is for certain. I'd like to think its waving.
He's displaying a not so great behavior of taking his implant off...and pulling his glasses off. Which means he's maturing, but the behavior is not so welcome. We're looking at adding a therapy to his schedule and doing a disco-shuffle with all of his therapies. I'm not sure how this is going to work out yet.
Like I said, big shopping cart and giant spoon.
But you know what?
We're going to Hawaii in 4 days...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Loose Reference
I found myself overcoming yet another bout of writer's block today. So after dropping AJ off at school, I'm home, for about another minute or so, and I've been writing.
I'm sifting through the early chapters rearranging, adding, subtracting, editing, and using the printed copy of our old website as a guide.
And kicking myself. Oh, Heidi. I can't even follow it. It's so sugar-coated. Sugary sweet. Like syrup all over the counter and you just can't get your rag, soaked with hot-hot water to clean it all up. I didn't write about how anything felt. Was I numb? Where we numb? Probably. Tricking ourselves into seeing past reality and our ever present fears.
I read things like "He can sleep through anything!"...followed by a cute smiley face, and groan. Oh its so wonderful! It's like envisioning myself hosting a party, not really wanting to host a party, putting on a fake smile and being an oh so wonderful hostess.
Blech.
That doesn't mean our parenting journey has been all bad, because it hasn't been. I just wish I would have been honest back then. Both with the website, and with myself.
So, I'm using the website printout as a loose guide. Very loose.
There will be no syrup in this book.
Just Jello.
I'm sifting through the early chapters rearranging, adding, subtracting, editing, and using the printed copy of our old website as a guide.
And kicking myself. Oh, Heidi. I can't even follow it. It's so sugar-coated. Sugary sweet. Like syrup all over the counter and you just can't get your rag, soaked with hot-hot water to clean it all up. I didn't write about how anything felt. Was I numb? Where we numb? Probably. Tricking ourselves into seeing past reality and our ever present fears.
I read things like "He can sleep through anything!"...followed by a cute smiley face, and groan. Oh its so wonderful! It's like envisioning myself hosting a party, not really wanting to host a party, putting on a fake smile and being an oh so wonderful hostess.
Blech.
That doesn't mean our parenting journey has been all bad, because it hasn't been. I just wish I would have been honest back then. Both with the website, and with myself.
So, I'm using the website printout as a loose guide. Very loose.
There will be no syrup in this book.
Just Jello.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Amberwood & Canister Thoughts
Since my eyes are starting to do googly tricks while painting, I figure its a good time to stop for the night.
Last year we made our first trip to IKEA down in Illinois. We met up with friends and happened to wander -ok, I saw the sign and gasped, causing Jeremy to hit the breaks and begin checking me over for medical issues. Oops. Anyhow, I saw a Tuesday Morning sign and we were soon browsing the aisles.
I found three short pillar candles, brown in color, with a divine scent of Amberwood.
I'm a lover of patchouli & amber aromas, earthy smells with depth. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with them. And besides, they were a steal. We were just beginning to prep the house to move. We had decided to keep the dark blue/light blue paint colors in our room, and accent with cream/chocolate/black. Ok, I had decided. Jeremy chipped in by saying something like Uh-Huh Ok Whatever. His approval usually isn't a stretch, unless I suggest anything yellow or pink. Those are an automatic veto.
I came home and placed the candles on the white shelf in our bedroom... still wrapped in their protective plastic wrapping.
Today, I opened all three. It was rather ceremonious to me, which can be considered to be a good thing or a bit odd as we are talking about candles here.
Each day that goes on, that I am in hyper-overdrive move mode, makes this whole thing more and more real. I mean, I unwrapped the candles. That have been sitting on the shelf for over a year and a half. Things are getting done and while I'm completely exhausted, its beginning to look amazing.
My mind is full of so many memories. Memories of when we first bought this house. How we didn't know where to begin, and had no idea what we were doing. No.idea. Jeremy has always been good at demolition, be it baseball bat or box cutters (that would be knocking down things and tearing up carpet) and I've improved on the bringing-it-to-life role. I remember standing in the kitchen with my Mom, chatting with excitment about the new kitchen curtains she was going to make for us. Which lead to the wine colored walls that I wasswearing at battling tonight, but ya know. Tastes change.
We purchased our first set of new furniture for this house and spent all night painting the living room the night before an adoption homestudy. The night before that I suckered a friend into painting our bedroom that dark blue/light blue combo. We failed sorely at "fixing-up" our bathroom for several years before we bit the bullet and hired a contractor to do the gut and remodel. I spent hours painting AJ's nursery dresser while my Grandmother supervised and we chatted. We slowly but surely found the yard again. We've made friends with lots of plumbers and other handy-skilled workers. We've replaced pumps, roofs, I could go on.
We've learned a lot from this house. We've learned about quality work and quality products. That blood red is never a good choice of color for you living room walls. That hard work-done right-pays off. We've learned what its like to own a home and everything that comes with it. We've worked with some amazing people and are a whole lot more experienced than when we started. Trust Me. We are not gardners and most certainly not tree-lovers! That we won't ever buy cheapy-cheap faucets or cheap paint and most importantly, won't cut corners!
...I find painting relaxing. I should say I find it relaxing most of the time. I prefer to work without using painters tape. Cheap paint is just that, cheap. Buy a good brush and good paint and save yourself some insanity and money. I spent a good hour tonight doing the brushwork above the countertop lip in the kitchen. Without tape. And loved every second. It forces me to take it slow and steady, concentrate, and keep a steady hand. It brings Zen. I know. I'm insane.
As I was painting, the design for our next kitchen popped into my head. The object(s) of inspiration?
Canisters. There has been a set of canisters in our basement since we moved here. They belonged to Jeremy's paternal grandmother and somehow they had ended up here, at his maternal grandparents home.
For years he's been asking me to hang on to them. Their base color is white, with a beautiful black paisley pattern with accents of bright blue and green. I never paid much attention, except the last few weeks I've been looking at them on the shelf each time I go downstairs. Hm. Weird.
And tonight, they made their debut. Suddenly my head was filled with ideas of a faux-granite countertop, black with a gloss finish to really fake people out on the granite thing, the large dining table in the basement black with a flat finish with chairs painted to match with grey velour chair pads. Blue walls? Green walls? What shade? And a pendant light at the sink. A glass bowl....no a dish...with decor balls? No... Definitely the brushed nickel finish and oh I saw those drawer pulls at Target, those would be perfect..............................................
My mind was running wild! It kept running, into new ideas for a living room. How I literally want the same bathroom in our new house. And then it hit me. Other than AJ's future room, never before had I thought about what our new home would be like. While the decor/furnishings really don't matter, it sure is fun to dream up ideas. I had forgotten how much I love this sort of thing. While I'm no Genevieve, I do like to dabble in this house stuff.
It sure beats constantly thinking of therapy appointments, goals, and stressing over everything.
And those candles? Oh, those are going with too. I'm sure I'll think of just the place for them in our new home.
Last year we made our first trip to IKEA down in Illinois. We met up with friends and happened to wander -ok, I saw the sign and gasped, causing Jeremy to hit the breaks and begin checking me over for medical issues. Oops. Anyhow, I saw a Tuesday Morning sign and we were soon browsing the aisles.
I found three short pillar candles, brown in color, with a divine scent of Amberwood.
(like these)
I came home and placed the candles on the white shelf in our bedroom... still wrapped in their protective plastic wrapping.
Today, I opened all three. It was rather ceremonious to me, which can be considered to be a good thing or a bit odd as we are talking about candles here.
Each day that goes on, that I am in hyper-overdrive move mode, makes this whole thing more and more real. I mean, I unwrapped the candles. That have been sitting on the shelf for over a year and a half. Things are getting done and while I'm completely exhausted, its beginning to look amazing.
My mind is full of so many memories. Memories of when we first bought this house. How we didn't know where to begin, and had no idea what we were doing. No.idea. Jeremy has always been good at demolition, be it baseball bat or box cutters (that would be knocking down things and tearing up carpet) and I've improved on the bringing-it-to-life role. I remember standing in the kitchen with my Mom, chatting with excitment about the new kitchen curtains she was going to make for us. Which lead to the wine colored walls that I was
We purchased our first set of new furniture for this house and spent all night painting the living room the night before an adoption homestudy. The night before that I suckered a friend into painting our bedroom that dark blue/light blue combo. We failed sorely at "fixing-up" our bathroom for several years before we bit the bullet and hired a contractor to do the gut and remodel. I spent hours painting AJ's nursery dresser while my Grandmother supervised and we chatted. We slowly but surely found the yard again. We've made friends with lots of plumbers and other handy-skilled workers. We've replaced pumps, roofs, I could go on.
We've learned a lot from this house. We've learned about quality work and quality products. That blood red is never a good choice of color for you living room walls. That hard work-done right-pays off. We've learned what its like to own a home and everything that comes with it. We've worked with some amazing people and are a whole lot more experienced than when we started. Trust Me. We are not gardners and most certainly not tree-lovers! That we won't ever buy cheapy-cheap faucets or cheap paint and most importantly, won't cut corners!
...I find painting relaxing. I should say I find it relaxing most of the time. I prefer to work without using painters tape. Cheap paint is just that, cheap. Buy a good brush and good paint and save yourself some insanity and money. I spent a good hour tonight doing the brushwork above the countertop lip in the kitchen. Without tape. And loved every second. It forces me to take it slow and steady, concentrate, and keep a steady hand. It brings Zen. I know. I'm insane.
As I was painting, the design for our next kitchen popped into my head. The object(s) of inspiration?
Canisters. There has been a set of canisters in our basement since we moved here. They belonged to Jeremy's paternal grandmother and somehow they had ended up here, at his maternal grandparents home.
For years he's been asking me to hang on to them. Their base color is white, with a beautiful black paisley pattern with accents of bright blue and green. I never paid much attention, except the last few weeks I've been looking at them on the shelf each time I go downstairs. Hm. Weird.
And tonight, they made their debut. Suddenly my head was filled with ideas of a faux-granite countertop, black with a gloss finish to really fake people out on the granite thing, the large dining table in the basement black with a flat finish with chairs painted to match with grey velour chair pads. Blue walls? Green walls? What shade? And a pendant light at the sink. A glass bowl....no a dish...with decor balls? No... Definitely the brushed nickel finish and oh I saw those drawer pulls at Target, those would be perfect..............................................
My mind was running wild! It kept running, into new ideas for a living room. How I literally want the same bathroom in our new house. And then it hit me. Other than AJ's future room, never before had I thought about what our new home would be like. While the decor/furnishings really don't matter, it sure is fun to dream up ideas. I had forgotten how much I love this sort of thing. While I'm no Genevieve, I do like to dabble in this house stuff.
It sure beats constantly thinking of therapy appointments, goals, and stressing over everything.
And those candles? Oh, those are going with too. I'm sure I'll think of just the place for them in our new home.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Noodle Ornaments
AJ and I made noodle ornaments for his Grandparents this year for Christmas. I got the idea from an ornament I made in 3rd grade...that I still have.
Supplies Needed:Macaroni Noodles/Any Small Variety of Dry Pasta
Shape to Trace
Ribbon
Hole Punch (not pictured)
Craft Glue
Spray Paint
Cardstock or Construction Paper
Scrap Piece of Cardboard
Trace and cut your shapes & Punch your holes
Apply glue and smudge it all over with your fingers...
Call your craftyman...
Place macaroni on glue. Try not to cover the hole you punched.
Carefully flip to and repeat on the other side.
Allow time for the glue to dry.
Adults: Spraypaint one side at a time with your color of choice.
Metallics work really well.
Add ribbon and a year tag, and VOILA!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Here's to A New Year
Today certainly did not feel like the last day in December. Our weather has been more like spring the last two days, with today's temperature hitting 50 degrees and melting all of our snow.
I'm not sure how a new year is upon us.
Already.
2010. We are not sad to see it go, to say the least.
My sweet Gram left us on Ash Wednesday. AJ's 2nd CI surgery (May) seems like it was lightyears ago and was relatively uneventful considering the events that followed. Jeremy's scary diagnosis of multiple sclerosis threw both of us completely out of our element...as if we had such a thing to begin with. Let me assure you, when you are 28.75 years old, you do not think about such things happening to your life partner. AJ's birthday was a blur, as was his 2nd CI activation. Each attempt at a mini-vacation was soured. The pressure to move became overwhelming. And lets not forget AJ's new diagnosis of epilepsy.
Each year, Jeremy and I hope that this will be our year. Not for smooth sailing, or that easy-button on the Staples commercial (nice but not realistic). For a few less bumps, for a break or two, for less drama, less stress, less tears.
Despite all this, our marriage grows stronger. We laugh at each other constantly and worry about each other just as much. We're growing into our own groove as a family, which has its ups and downs. Friendships have grown stronger, some have grown weaker. We have reached the depths of being so emotionally drained, that we can't function. We hold each other up, grieve with each other, and support one another. We take care of each other.
I grew a bit more into my own this year, and continue to do so. Jeremy's career blossomed and opened new doors and opportunities aplenty.
AJ has grown and tolerated all that goes on around him like the SuperStar he is. He just amazes me. He wakes up every morning with a clean fresh slate smile that can take on the world. Despite my heartache about certain things, AJ has made tremendous progress.
I find it so hard to believe that he'll soon turn 5. 5 years old. When did that happen? He's lost his baby face and now grins at me with total boy naughtiness glimmering in his eyes. He's everywhere, and into everything, just like little boys should be.
What will 2011 bring?
2011 will bring us a new home. Around 4am on the morning after Christmas, it suddenly hit me that it was our last Christmas in this house. With the realtor coming last night, it feels like everything is suddenly happening, very fast.
We are hopeful Jeremy will remain symptom-free. We are hopeful AJ's communication skills will increase and that he'll continue to make such terrific gains in his additional therapies. We are hopeful our move will go as smoothly as possible and that we'll find the right house with ease. We are hopeful for some positive changes in our lives!
I hope to finish my book sooner than later and stop holding back what I really want to say. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a filter. I rather large and thick one...depending on the context. I am also hoping to take more time for myself and figure out what exactly I want to be other than/in addition to being AJ's Mom. I'm looking forward to turning our new house into our home. Jeremy is looking forward to his dartball tournaments and finishing his BA (very soon!) and moving on to his Master's.
2011 also brings our 10th wedding anniversary and our first long vacation EVER to Hawaii. We lay in bed most mornings and sigh at the thought of just sleeping all day...with palm trees swaying in the breeze.
I'm still not sure how we've been married 10 years already....
Happy New Year!
I'm not sure how a new year is upon us.
Already.
2010. We are not sad to see it go, to say the least.
My sweet Gram left us on Ash Wednesday. AJ's 2nd CI surgery (May) seems like it was lightyears ago and was relatively uneventful considering the events that followed. Jeremy's scary diagnosis of multiple sclerosis threw both of us completely out of our element...as if we had such a thing to begin with. Let me assure you, when you are 28.75 years old, you do not think about such things happening to your life partner. AJ's birthday was a blur, as was his 2nd CI activation. Each attempt at a mini-vacation was soured. The pressure to move became overwhelming. And lets not forget AJ's new diagnosis of epilepsy.
Each year, Jeremy and I hope that this will be our year. Not for smooth sailing, or that easy-button on the Staples commercial (nice but not realistic). For a few less bumps, for a break or two, for less drama, less stress, less tears.
Despite all this, our marriage grows stronger. We laugh at each other constantly and worry about each other just as much. We're growing into our own groove as a family, which has its ups and downs. Friendships have grown stronger, some have grown weaker. We have reached the depths of being so emotionally drained, that we can't function. We hold each other up, grieve with each other, and support one another. We take care of each other.
I grew a bit more into my own this year, and continue to do so. Jeremy's career blossomed and opened new doors and opportunities aplenty.
AJ has grown and tolerated all that goes on around him like the SuperStar he is. He just amazes me. He wakes up every morning with a clean fresh slate smile that can take on the world. Despite my heartache about certain things, AJ has made tremendous progress.
I find it so hard to believe that he'll soon turn 5. 5 years old. When did that happen? He's lost his baby face and now grins at me with total boy naughtiness glimmering in his eyes. He's everywhere, and into everything, just like little boys should be.
What will 2011 bring?
2011 will bring us a new home. Around 4am on the morning after Christmas, it suddenly hit me that it was our last Christmas in this house. With the realtor coming last night, it feels like everything is suddenly happening, very fast.
We are hopeful Jeremy will remain symptom-free. We are hopeful AJ's communication skills will increase and that he'll continue to make such terrific gains in his additional therapies. We are hopeful our move will go as smoothly as possible and that we'll find the right house with ease. We are hopeful for some positive changes in our lives!
I hope to finish my book sooner than later and stop holding back what I really want to say. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a filter. I rather large and thick one...depending on the context. I am also hoping to take more time for myself and figure out what exactly I want to be other than/in addition to being AJ's Mom. I'm looking forward to turning our new house into our home. Jeremy is looking forward to his dartball tournaments and finishing his BA (very soon!) and moving on to his Master's.
2011 also brings our 10th wedding anniversary and our first long vacation EVER to Hawaii. We lay in bed most mornings and sigh at the thought of just sleeping all day...with palm trees swaying in the breeze.
I'm still not sure how we've been married 10 years already....
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
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